Games That Should Be MMO’s

Every year I hope against hope that game developers world-wide will make a fresh new MMO out of an already existing game that totally deserves one. But year in and year out, I am always stuck with World Of Warcraft or some other mediocre MMO that is just terrible. Dont get me wrong, I love first person shooters and a good linear story as much as the next person. But sometimes a good MMO experience is in order. Here are some titles I wish game developers would make into fucking MMO’s already.

POKEMON:

Can you honestly think of a better setting for a classic MMO? I can see it already, shit talking in front of my Dell to some scrub Pokemon Trainer and his Ponita piece of shit Pokemon, challenging him to a duel. I mean this game has everything an MMO would need. I know Pokemon is intended for the ‘younger crowd’ but let’s be honest, we all play the shit out of them on the DS and we have for years. This would be an amazing MMO.

MASS EFFECT:

Mass Effect is probably my favorite game on the 360 to date. As an RPG it is outstanding, but would it make a good MMO? FUCK YES IT WOULD! Picture it, choosing your own version of the Normandy and venturing out into space. This title is literally just begging to be made into an MMO.

RESIDENT EVIL:

Just hear me out on this one. We all remember Resident Evil Outbreak, Capcoms first attempt at making Resident Evil into an online co-op experience and it was crap at best. But Resident Evil 5 really got me thinking. I had such a great time playing online co-op that I thought, wouldn’t it be awesome if they made a zombie apocalypse MMO? Answer: YES! Maybe Capcom wouldn’t be able to pull it off right, and maybe it wouldn’t include any of the characters from the RES series but a zombie apocalypse MMO needs to be made. The quests could be something like: rescuing survivors, getting additional weapons, and there needs to be no hope of being rescued. Your main goal should be survival and eliminating all zombies from the area.

 

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Commercial Review – Orajel

The thing about this commercial is it is made by a HUGE corporation. I mean, when you think toothache your first thought is “how can I get rid of this pain?”. Anyone who has had the horrible experience of a toothache will tell you that Orajel is a great way to subdue the aching pain from under your gums. I agree with the product, but this commercial is horrendous.

Lets first take a look at how it starts.

A middle aged black woman is sitting in…. where is she exactly? Her home? Dentist office? An underground Orajel research facility? The location is not made clear, but we are told her name is Jackie and she lives in Chicago. That leads me to believe that maybe they were trying a marketing campaign that involved interviewing people that have used Orajel. That works for me, sure I will buy into that.

What follows is a 20 second rant from Jackie literally screaming into the camera about her toothache. She openly admits that she has tried everything, pain pills etc. but to no avail. The only thing that seems to shut that mouth of hers is Orajel, it “immediately takes away her pain”. I wish they would have gone into a more in depth telling of Jackie’s entire toothache experience. What drugs she tried, how she got the money to make such purchases. Does this crazy bitch work for Orajel? I really care about this character. Probably because she is screaming at me.

I don’t hate this commercial I love it. The editing is horrible, and I assume it was intentional. The way the scenes of her screaming are all obviously taken from multiple clips just smashed together only heightens the comedic value. At the end when she screams ‘Orajel takes my toothache and says YOU’RE DONE!” I laugh every time.

Seeking Justice

Wow. If you want to look at the trailer it can be found here http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1214962/#lb-vi1021747481.

On with the review.

It’s no secret that Nicolas Cage has been pumping out shitty movies like Wonka Bars, but when I saw the Guy Pearce was going to be in this one it peaked my interest. I was wrong. It seems that no matter who Cage’s co-star is the movie is almost always terrible.This one is no exception to the rule.

The trailer opens with Cage giving his mid 20’s wife/finance/who gives a fuck an anniversary present, probably some cheap locket from Craigslist. How sweet. But soon after that she is mugged and sent to the hospital. AWWWWW. Cage runs to see her at the hospital were he discovers she has been badly injured after the altercation. Later in the waiting room he is approached by Pearce who tells him that he is part of an underground ‘justice league’ and will help Cage get back at the person responsible for doing this to his wife/finance/who gives a fuck.

Wait. What? This is the premise for the movie? Cage hires hit men to take care of some ass wipe that tried to mug his girlfriend, in the hospital waiting room? …

Of course Cage doesn’t think this is a bad idea because he is a fucking moron and you see the mugger get shot by Pearce and his men. Cage goes back to living life as a normal, flannel t shirt wearing, past his prime man. With his prosti-tot wife/girlfriend/who gives a fuck at his side. All is well, until he receives a phone call from Pearce saying that now he owes them a favor. Scenes of hilarity ensue as we see clips of Cage speeding on high ways, flipping cars, explosions, and even a fist fight with Pearce himself.

Now what am I really suppose to say about this? If you have not watched the trailer yet do it and tell me if I am wrong, because I just don’t see how this will ever make a good film. We all know the price of going to the movies, are you really going to pay 20 bucks to go see Nicolas Cage flip cars on the free way and scream?  The best part about Cages performance in this movie will probably be his goatee, that thing really has it’s shit together.

Master Chief Helmet (Legendary Edition Halo 3)

The first time I saw this I could not believe my eyes. Was I going to be able to go out into any retail location that carried electronic hardware and purchase a Spartan artifact?

Answer: Yes!

I think we all were a little too excited for this, we all had visions of running blissfully through our apartments (OK, our PARENTS basements) with this helmet on our heads. Then I thought, maybe it will work with the xbox directly and I will be able to use it as a headset. How amazing would that have been? But sadly, none of those ideas would ever come to fruition.

The helmet does nothing. There are no lights, no headset functionality, nothing. But what makes this thing a giant piece of shit is the fact that it can not even be worn. I know I am a 23 year old woman, and I shouldn’t want to wear a spartan helmet… BUT I DO BUNGIE! What a waste of a collectors edition. They basically sold us a 150.00 dust collector. But in retrospect, what should we really have expected? Since I began to purchase collectors editions they seem to become more and more disappointing.

In Example:

Are you fucking kidding me? This is what the extra money is for? A pack or cards, some stupid code, a cheap coin, and a special case for my fable 3 disc?

I can’t be the only person to think this is a total piece of trash. A 15 page book about why Marcus is taller than all the stop signs and doorways in this game and some shitty little metal tin? Who owns this and thinks to themselves “what a really great purchase.”? Assholes, that’s who.

I get what the attraction was to this particular item. BUT, the goggles are total shit. I will give them props for using actual infrared technology, but they are made out of plastic and the motion blur is enough to give you permanent vertigo.  150.00 – the game price, these goggles are exactly what you pay for them. Garbage. Good gimmick tho, and I am sure tons of people have them displayed in their homes, but I advise against walking around your neighborhood with them on, especially with all these bills being passed by congress as of late.

As gamers we should ask a little more of the developers who are trying to get us to fork over extra bucks for these “collectors items”. because most of them are just cheap pieces of shit. I  think they should do away with action figures and patches all together. Give me  a dvd with some making of  documentary or an art book/comic. Maybe I am just being too hard on the Halo 3 helmet. I mean, even with all of it’s flaws it makes a good door stop and the stand works good as a small trash can. 🙂

Sony CD Walkman

Do you remember these things? You know you do. Sweet Compact Disc magic makers. Sure there were other portable CD players, but if you had a Sony Walkman in School you were the SHIT!

I can remember the first time  I came into possession of a Sony CD player. It was 2002 and one of my most favorite hobbies would be walking up and down the halls of my middle school, usually with a buddy, randomly turning handles on lockers to see if they would open and rummaging through them for goodies. I am not saying this an admirable act, just that it was fun and you should try it. Anyway, on that particular day I was doing this such thing, but what I didn’t know at the time was that fate was about to hand me the fortune of fortunes.

See, some time before I began my routine of juvenile idiocy, some poor fool left their locker unlocked and carelessly left this treasure unprotected. As I swung open that metal door my eyes stared at the Sony Walkman in disbelief and awe. I thanked all of my ancestors who’s decision to procreate had landed me at this exact moment in time. My trembling hands reached out for the Sony Walkman, and it was mine!

OK, maybe it wasn’t as dramatic as all that. But it was like having a little piece of heaven all to yourself. With this not only could I listen to BURNED CD’s, I could also flip through radio stations! Not only did it have a repeat button, but it had a SHUFFLE button too! To  a 12 year old girl the ability to listen to NSYNC and Backstreet Boys on repeat and shuffle was like being a pedophile who chaperoned for Cub Scouts.

PURE. BLISS.

I could drop this thing all day and no skipping of any nature. How was that possible? Did Zeus himself come down and bless this Compact Disc Player with a lightning bolt shot right out of his rectum?

Sure other companies tried to compete with Sony but I wasn’t having it. You could shove your off brand CD players right up your ass. This thing was my co-pilot and traveled with me wherever I went! I remember feeling guilt at times for how I obtained it. Always thinking about that poor soul who would never have this beautiful piece of technology again. Their parents probably went out and bought him/her a cheap Memorex CD Player that didn’t even HAVE a repeat button. This would make me very sad. But then I would remember the timeless law of “finders keepers” and immediately my guilt would fade away.

Eventually we all moved over to iPod’s and other MP3 players, but my affection for the Sony Walkman has never disappeared. If you ever read this Sony Walkman, our love was timeless and will live on forever. I’m sorry I threw you out when I was cleaning out my old storage bins. Come back to me!

Movie Trailer Review


So, I am not going to lie. This looks pretty bad ass.

I first saw this trailer in the theater while waiting for Under World to begin (BTW go see that movie if you have not already). The trailer opens with some little bastard singing our national anthem at a football game, and sadly the singing continues throughout the first half of the trailer. Then it cuts to some scene were Bruce and Alfred are having a little heart to heart about how Alfred failed at protecting Bruce and broke his promise to Bruce’s parents.

Don’t beat yourself up too much Alfred, I mean after all Bruce’s BILLIONAIRE parents did ask a fucking BUTLER to look after their son. They must have never seen the classic Disney movie Aristocats.

That always bothered me about Batman. I mean why would Bruce’s parents leave a butler in charge of their son? And where are all the other servants in Wayne Manor? You’re telling me this old geezer can keep up with all the upkeep required in that place? No way. NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Anyway, let’s get back on topic. We get a good look at BAINE in this trailer and really what can I say that hasn’t already been said? I am not sure how they are going to pull this one off. But to be honest I was weary about Heath Ledger as the Joker in Dark Knight so this could go either way. Lets just hope he does not end up looking like Bo Abobo from Double Dragon.

It’s also hinted that Commissioner Gordon is going to be out of a job soon because he is a ‘war hero’ and this is a time of peace. I am excited to see how they work Cat Woman into this movie, you only get a glimpse of her in the trailer and in that scene she is warning Bruce that the shit is about to hit the fan. How she knows this, I am not sure. Maybe this movie will get really griddy and we will see Anne Hathaway take a dump in a litter pan and turn her malevolent shits into some sort of explosive to aid Batman. THAT would be Oscar worthy.

I do like that this movie seems to want to send an additional message. I think this story is going to be really relevant to how things are going in the U.S. right now and hit on some serious issues.

The special effect’s are awesome too. I really love the scene of the entire football field just crumbling beneath the players feet. But I am not so happy about whatever flying drone is chasing the bat mobile later on the trailer. Looks a little too much like terminator and that is not a good look for anybody.

Overall this trailer really makes you want to pay the 20.00 theaters will charge.