Nascar 500 Review

If you live in central Florida there are just certain things you have to deal with. Teen pregnancy, Bike Week, and Nascar fans. I myself am I fan of Nascar and I don’t really mind race week in Daytona. I usually go to one or two races myself, never the 500. Im talking about the qualifying races and the Bud Shootout. But this year I really wanted to go to the 500. I scored excellent tickets to the Nextera Energy 250 and maybe it was the beer talking, but I wanted to go to the 500.

An angel must have been on my shoulder, because I wound up not being able to get tickets and it’s no mystery what happened at the 500 this year.

For the first time in Dayona history the 500 was canceled due to inclement weather. So I stayed safe in my dry home and watched countless jackasses sitting in the grandstands in their $30.00 Nascar ponchos (Nascar made a killing that day) just watching parked race cars.

Imagine my joy! There is nothing better than being bummed out and feeling really shitty about yourself, and then seeing the suffering of others. Makes me just remember how awesome it is to be me.

Anyway, then the race was set to happen Monday night, and everything went right on schedule, until about 10:00PM when a car crashed into a truck carrying about 200 gallons of JET ENGINE FUEL. That is when I said FUCK IT and decided this thing was just not worth watching. I am still a Nascar fan, but that 500 was the worst thing I have ever seen.

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Facebook Review

Lets try something fun. Let’s review Facebook!

Since 2004 Facebook has been dominating our down time and ruining our relationships. But has anyone ever really reviewed it? I have looked online and I see that some people have reviewed the new features, but not the site as a whole. WELL NOT NO MORE!

Let’s break this shit sandwich up into 3 parts.

PART 1: The Journey Begins

When I was a sophomore in High School I was still using myspace. I loved it. I liked having THEMES and having a song play when people clicked on my page. I WAS IN LOVE. Friend Requests? Is there anything more empowering then having the ability to ACCEPT or DENY someone from looking at your shitty little free theme page and whiny emo music? No there isn’t. So I was not to eager to jump off of MySpace and into the book of face. I figured I had everything I needed and would never ever need a new social networking experience. But after weeks of peer pressure from friends to create a Facebook profile I succumbed and began LIKING and POKING.

I think we all forget how fucking horrible and disorienting going from MySpace to Facebook was in the beginning. Myspace had bulletins, no one was poking anyone, and we all had one friend in common. That DOUCHE Tom. How egotistical, how dare you automatically make me your friend Tom, you douche!

Facebook was a totally different beast. Right off the bat you want to start adding friends because who wants to be the loser without 3,000 friends? No one, that’s who. (And if you are one of those people who has 12 friends because you just “DON’T ADD PEOPLE YOU DON’T SEE AND TALK TO EVERYDAY” then you can promptly jump off the nearest bridge. No one does that because of some sort of moral system they have, you simply just do not have friends.)

Anyway. So you add the friends and you think “hhmm ok this is similar to Myspace” then became bored and said, fuck writing on walls and shit I am just going back to Myspace.

BUT WHAT HAPPENED? We were all completely satisfied with Myspace, we could listen to music and blah blah blah. But what made us change to Facebook? You know what happened, people started poking us, tagging us in photos, and we were able to see all of our friends status updates instantly from the home screen… and like a fungus this new format began to grow on us.

PART 2: My Parents are on Facebook?!

Where were you when you discovered your parents and grandparents had created Facebook accounts? MORE IMPORTANTLY, where were you when they sent you a friend request? Once we saw their profile pictures we all new it was over. Did we really want our parents seeing us in compromising photos and reading our self involved status updates? Did we want to know what our parents would be doing on a Saturday night? This is when we all had our first doubts about whether we should continue the Facebook love affair or end it before it turned into a scandal of Jerry Springer proportions.

But somehow Facebook held it together for us. They gave us the ability to select who we wanted to see certain parts of our profiles/status updates and that was great. Crisis avoided, and we all continued taking inappropriate pictures and posting status updates about our STD’s.

PART 3: Where do we go from here?

So far Facebook is untouchable. But Twitter is a big competitor. The question is, when will the next big social networking site blow us all away and make us want to stop using Facebook. Well, nothing like that has to happen for me to stop using it.

I am fucking SICK of Facebook. I am tired of being poked, I am tired of FARMVILLE, I am tired of seeing your relationship updates. In fact I am so fucking tired of Facebook that I created a BLOG for Christ sake. Ever since I have been able to start ‘hiding’ people’s status updates I have removed everyone from my update list. I know it has been said over and over again but, why do people use status updates to tell us all about you taking a shower? Did I miss the memo where we were all going to list our daily activities on FB everyday?

Is everyone so incapable of writing something witty that we have all resorted to just commenting on the price of mustard? The worst is when the Superbowl is on or some other major sports event. ENDLESS POSTS ON THE SCORE. Suddenly everyone is a sports anchor.

Maybe I am just nit picking. Or maybe I am right. Who knows? I don’t want a dislike button, I would like a STFU button.

New Show AWAKE coming to NBC

This is rare, but I have to say I am really excited to begin watching this. The show will air March 1st on NBC and it looks awesome.

I was a little skeptical at first because I really love Alan Wake and this seemed like a little but of a rip off, you know minus the whole underworld demon shit. But after I was able to watch the entire 4 minute trailer I have no doubts that this will be a great new show coming to NBC.

The show is about a man who loses his wife and son in a tragic car accident, but after their funerals his mind creates two new realities one where his wife survived the crash and another where his son survived. Meanwhile he is a detective trying to solve cases that may or may not be real. Sounds like this will be the first really good drama NBC has had in quite some time.

The music is really great too. It looks like AWAKE will have its own soundtrack and not use what ever is trending on the radio, no ONE TREE HILL bullshit here.

Blockbuster Franchise R.I.HELL.

A couple of weeks ago my local Blockbuster finally shut down and closed their doors for good. So I decided I would do a post telling you, the reader, about some of my very own personal experiences with Blockbuster.

Did you know that I was a former Blockbuster employee? YES I WAS! But my career as a Blockbuster Movie clerk was short-lived, after a couple of weeks of their bullshit I got right the hell out of there but I still continued to occasionally rent a movie or game from there. Hey, nobody is perfect. From an insider’s perspective, I really am not that surprised they went out of business. The amount of lies we would tell our “guests” was unbelievable. It was like we all traded in our morals for that blue and yellow polo shirt. For a complete and VERY ACCURATE list of lies we all would tell consumers on a daily basis click HERE.

Another reason I believe blockbuster was doomed has to be those pathetic attempts at marketing campaigns. Whoever was in charge of these disgusting commercials should be brought out and given multiple paper cuts with Blockbuster Membership cards. Lets take a look at some:

1990 Blockbuster Kiddie Commercial

This one is obviously directed at the kids. But what the FUCK were they thinking. A group of four small children (ONE OF THEM BLACK TO SHOW EVERYONE, “HEY BLOCKBUSTER IS A GOOD TIME FOR ETHNIC GROUP!”) running, nay SPRINTING into blockbuster. No parents present, and these four kids must have been on some crazy drugs because they are chasing dinosaurs and riding in spaceships. Its fucking crazy. At the end of the commercial they introduce us to all of the characters in the cartoon, telling us their names and likes. I guess Blockbuster was thinking about making a cartoon series? That’s the only reason I can think that they would spend a good 20 seconds of their commercial time saying nothing about Blockbuster and telling us about the lives of this multiracial group of friends. Not the best way to spend paid air time.

1992 Blockbuster Commercial

Ahh, the good old days. You can tell Blockbuster thought they were hot shit around the time they made this commercial. The voice over tells us that “With over 10,000 movies to choose from in store, there’s no wonder Blockbuster Videos are popping up all over the country”. Fast forward 20 years and “with Redbox vendors offering only 1.00 rentals it’s no wonder Blockbusters are closing all over the country,” muahaha. This commercial really disturbs me. This little white suburban family is in a white room and then out of no were shit is coming out of the floor, movies are floating on the shelves, people are just appearing in the store with them, and the clerk is totally chill. She’s just behind the counter not giving a shit what happens.

1993 Blockbuster Christmas Commercial

In this one we see a Mom who is telling us “WOULDNT IT BE NICE TO GET YOUR SHOPPING ALL DONE IN ONE STORE, WELL AT BLOCKBUSTER YOU CAN FIND A MOVIE FOR EVERYBODY!” Yeah OK, who wants to be the asshole giving everyone one copy of Forrest Gump on VHS for Christmas? Blockbuster is not a place to get EVERYONE’S Christmas shopping done, you’re thinking of Macy or J C Penny or WALMART for fuck sake.

Carl and Ray 2000’s

Probably the best Blockbuster commercials ever made. This was still a few years away from Netflix’s rise to supreme power, and Blockbuster had some dough to spend. So they figured, why not spend it on some cgi. Plan sounds good, until they settled on making the new commercials be about a rabbit and a hamster that are just sitting across the street from a Blockbuster store in a very nicely kept cage inside of a pet store. AND NO ONE EVER BUYS THESE TWO ANIMALS. Where is Sarah Mclachlan when you need her?

Blockbuster was no where near as popular as it was before the emergence of Netflix, but my local store they knew they were really fucked when Redbox’s started popping up everywhere. Who in their right mind is going to pay a couple of bucks and  walk into blockbuster when they could spend ONE DOLLAR, rent the movie, and then return it to ANY of the other 3,000,000,000 redbox locations the next day? AN ASSHOLE, THAT’S WHO.

Sorry Blockbuster but seriously how long did you think we were all going to rely on YOU for renting new release movies? 80,000 people live in my town and you got 40 copies of WAR OF THE WORLDS when it was released. You stupid assholes! Then you expect to make up for it being out by offering a ‘free classic movie rental’. Sounds great, I just drove 15-20 minutes out of my way to watch a new release movie that you didn’t have, but I shouldn’t be mad because you’re gonna make up for it by letting me pic a movie that’s 2-10 years old? ARE YOU GUYS OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS?!
Yes we are!

The list of reasons why Blockbuster is out of business just goes on and on. But at least now I will never have to return hangover 2, and to be honest I probably wouldn’t have anyway.

Gone Trailer

So I have been seeing this trailer on TV quite a bit and decided to give it a closer look. I would have been able to give it an even closer look if I had the same gigantic eyeballs that Amanda Seyfreid has.

But alas, I was not blessed with such a gift so I will have to settle for the standard resolution you tube trailer. *sigh*

Anyway, this movie looks horrible. The trailer starts off with Amanda’s character’s sister Molly begging her to go to dinner with her on Sunday night. Amanda does not want to go but eventually agrees to do. I wonder why this bitch doesn’t want to go to dinner with her sister? What else could she be doing? Maybe she had an appointment with the optometrist to order XXXXL contact lenses? Or maybe Amanda’s character is just an uppity bitch. Probably both.

But things take a turn for the worse when Amanda goes to meet her sister the next morning and discovers an empty bed and saying “OH MY GOD”. Tell me what is so crazy about her bed being empty? Amanda immediately jumps to the conclusion that her sister was slung over a kidnappers shoulder and dragged out into the woods.

This just sounds fucking stupid. We then see her sitting in a police station explaining that she was a victim of a kidnapping and she thinks that the killer has come back for her but instead of finding her he abducted Molly instead. Now I am confused. So this bitch was kidnapped and the guy got away with it? Further more, this bitch was kidnapped and she didn’t think to have a security system installed in her house? COME ON. She got lucky that this psycho didn’t pluck her huge eyes out of her head the first time he got a hold of her, so why not take a few security measures to make sure he couldn’t easily break in to her home? Oh I know, because she is an ASSHOLE!

When the cops ask her why this killer would come back for her she says “because I am the only one that knows his secret.” Wow. Im smelling a Shutter Island on the horizon. I am willing to bet you, that’s right, ALL OF YOU, that this movie winds up with her being the killer. I am willing to bet that she killed all the other girls and finally hopped in the hole herself and made up this crazy story trying to implicate some fictional man as the culprit.

The trailer says she only has 12 hours to find out who the killer is before her sister Molly dies. Dies from what? The last time I checked you can survive sitting in a hole for more than 12 hours. We have all waited longer at the DMV and survived. So wtf is with this time line? I guess the writer just wanted to make us feel like there would eventually be a conclusion, something that we can look at and measure how much longer we have to sit through this ridiculous piece of cinematic shit.

New J.K. Rowling Book announced!

J.K. Rolwing (Author of Harry Potter series) has announced that she will be writing again, but this time not for kids.

What does this mean? It means that she will be writing again and we wont have to try to read fucked up words like CONTRIGGERYBUM and MONDUNGUS. Or maybe we will, who the hell knows? Not too much has been said about what the new book will be about, just that it will have NOTHING to do with Harry Potter. Poor decision on her part. If I was J.K. the only tihng I would ever write about would be that little spell casting idiot. Seriously, I bet she could write a paragraph more to the seventh book and the book would resell for millions all over again.

Hopefully the new book will not be about vampires, Christ knows we have all had enough of that.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Everyone knows Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe was our nations 16th president, and he was a damn good one too! He abolished slavery so that has to stand for something!

But this year we will get to see him in a new light, as an axe wielding murderer of the undead.

If you have not read the book I urge you to pick it up or download it on whatever tablet you probably have, you trendy little devil you!

For those of you that don’t know anything about the Lincoln Vampire tale let me fill you in. In this story Abe is told by his father when he is a young boy that vampires are real and that vampires have killed not only his grandfather but his mother as well. Shocked upon hearing this, Abe then lures the vampire responsible for his mothers death back to his home and kills him with a homemade stake (homemade, are there any other kinds of vampire stakes?). He teams up with a “good vampire” and spends most of his teen years searching for EVIL vampires. Until one day he stumbles upon a slave trader and he is disgusted to find that the slave trader not only is selling slaves but he is too in fact a VAMPIRE and the slaves are not being used for labor but as FOOD!

Lincoln then decides that the only way to end the reign of vampires in America is to make it impossible for them to buy their victims in this manner. THUS BEGINS THE ELECTION PHASE OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

I wont go too much more into it because, after all, you might want to read it for yourself. But enough about the awesome book, let’s talk about this stupid trailer.

The trailer opens up with Lincoln wandering in the middle of the forest with an axe. Pretty cool, but then the rest of the trailer is just slow motion shots of young Abraham Lincoln constantly swinging his axe and barely missing someone. The president has pretty terrible aim. Maybe if he would stop twirling it around like a fucking baton he would actually hit someone. The only thing we see him hit with his axe the entire trailer is a giant tree that he CUTS DOWN with one swing. When I say GIANT tree I mean Lord Of The Rings sized tree.

Then there is a scene where Lincoln is riding a flame engulfed train, cut to some more scenes of axe swinging and barely audible Johnny Cash.

HORRIBLE. Just really bad. I wondered why this movie looked so dark but then I saw that Tim Burton was a producer. Thank God he didn’t direct it or else I’m sure Johnny Depp would have portrayed Lincoln. All in all, if the movie is even half as good as the book it should be good. But I am not going to tell you to go out and see it. GO TO AMAZON AND READ THE BOOK!