The “Amazing” Spider Man

I know I am a little late on this trailer, but that’s because I have been DREADING watching it.

The problem with all of the Spider Man movies (like most comic book movies) is that Spider Man is not really that great of a comic book super hero to begin with.  I think Hollywood focus’s a little too much on mainstream comic books to turn into movies. I love when I see movies like The Watchmen and V For Vendetta because they have more than just flashy special effects, there is a really great story that makes you think. That being said, I don’t really expect anything spectacular from movies like Spider Man or The Green Lantern because the source material is just garbage to begin with. Going to see Green Lantern and expecting to be moved to tears is like whipping your ass and expecting a rainbow streak to be left on the toilet paper. Its Not Going To Happen.

But that’s enough about me hating Hollywood super hero movies, lets take a look at the trailer.

I heard months ago that this was suppose to be a retelling of the Spider Man origin story and I thought to myself “how fucking boring.” The last thing I want to see is dweeby Peter Parker crying over not going to prom with MJ AGAIN. But from what we can see of this trailer MJ is not even in the movie. So that right there is plus. Peter Parker is portrayed this time by Andrew Garfield (The Social Network) and he definitely has the whole socially awkward/annoying thing down. He is apparently a lot better off then Maguires version on spidey was since he is invited over to have dinner with Gwen who is his friend/girlfriend/who gives a fuck.

While this movie will be an origin story it’s totally different. Gwen works as a science lab secretary/hooker and invites her geeky companion (Parker) for a tour of the facility and as he is looking around in the restricted area he is BITTEN BY A SPIDER! But him becoming Spider Man is almost like a sub plot, because it seems more like he will be spending the entire film trying to find out what happened to his parents. Honestly, some things you are just better off not knowing. Look at little Orphan Annie, her parents dumped her ass and she wound up with Poon Jab and Daddy Warbux.

The villain is a giant turtle without a shell. That is all I have to say about that.

I am really not liking the way the special effects make New York City look in the trailer. It looks a little to sci-fi for me. I also really hope we don’t have to sit and watch a lot of the Mirrors Edge – ish  first person Spider Man P.O.V. that would really suck, especially in 3D.

Ill end this one telling you what the absolute worst part of this trailer was. At one point, Spider Man is out being a vigilante and sits in on a car theft in progress. From the back seat Peter Parker says “If you’re going to steal cars, don’t go out dressed like a car thief.” What? What does that even fucking mean? I did not know there was a way to go out dressed like a car thief. The guy is wearing a beanie and a sweat shirt. This is the writers attempt at witty wisecracks? How did Stan Lee have no trouble writing, I dunno, thousands of memorable jokes for Spider Man in his comics and these stupid fucks cant come up with 2 or 3 for a 2 hour movie? That pretty much sums up what I think of this pile of webbed shit.

The Maguire Spideys might not have been perfect, but they were good. This is just a way to try to pump some more money out of the Spider Man franchise. This ‘update’ was not needed and I don’t think I will see it until it is available at RedBox, and even then I will use a promo code and see it for FREE.

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