Dark Tide

Fan of shark week? So am I.

Fan of Hallie Berry? You are? Wow you’re an asshole.

I don’t know what it is about Hallie Berry, but I just have never thought of her as a really great actress. Not exactly Meryl Streep, you know what I mean? I don’t know what it was about her that made me think this… oh wait now I remember. She was in Catwoman LOL!

Now this year she will be starring in DARK TIDE, a thriller were Berry plays a diver with a thing for swimming with sharks. But times are hard and when the bank threatens to take Berry’s boat away she considers taking a rich moron under the sea to swim outside of the cage with great white sharks.

We can already see that this is not going to go as planned. For one thing, the guy willing to pay her 100,000 euros is way past his prime. There is no way this bastard is going to fight off a 20 ft. great white. Maybe this guy has terminal cancer or something. Who really cares.

Berry decides to take them to “Shark Alley” which is right around the corner from “Diagon Alley”, to swim with these massive killing machines. Everyone is so excited, cut to flashes of giant storms, cage mishaps, and the boat being over turned in the middle of the sea. Honestly we don’t even need to see the movie, we all know how this is going to end.

My favorite part in the entire trailer is when a pissed off Berry is gearing up and says “Let’s give him his moneys worth” and the old man yells back at her “LETS DOOOOO IT!” 1:08, I don’t know why but this simple exchange has almost brought me to tears and it gets more hilarious each time I watch. Maybe I have gone a little mad in the process of writing this and that’s why.

The trailer closes with some corny movie guy voice over saying “HOLD. YOUR. BREATH”, yeah ok. More like “Hallie if you are waiting for another Academy Award don’t hold your breath’ especially if this is the kind of shit your going to involve yourself in. The director of this movie must have flipped a shit when they got her to do this movie. She is the only name I recognize.

So ridiculous. This movie does not look terrible but it doesn’t look great. I don’t really think there will ever be a better shark movie than JAWS.

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One thought on “Dark Tide

  1. This looks to be on par with the Sci Fi movie of the week. What a piece of shit. I hope the shark dies. But only after Halle Berry dies. And the rich white fucker better live.

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