Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Everyone knows Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe was our nations 16th president, and he was a damn good one too! He abolished slavery so that has to stand for something!

But this year we will get to see him in a new light, as an axe wielding murderer of the undead.

If you have not read the book I urge you to pick it up or download it on whatever tablet you probably have, you trendy little devil you!

For those of you that don’t know anything about the Lincoln Vampire tale let me fill you in. In this story Abe is told by his father when he is a young boy that vampires are real and that vampires have killed not only his grandfather but his mother as well. Shocked upon hearing this, Abe then lures the vampire responsible for his mothers death back to his home and kills him with a homemade stake (homemade, are there any other kinds of vampire stakes?). He teams up with a “good vampire” and spends most of his teen years searching for EVIL vampires. Until one day he stumbles upon a slave trader and he is disgusted to find that the slave trader not only is selling slaves but he is too in fact a VAMPIRE and the slaves are not being used for labor but as FOOD!

Lincoln then decides that the only way to end the reign of vampires in America is to make it impossible for them to buy their victims in this manner. THUS BEGINS THE ELECTION PHASE OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

I wont go too much more into it because, after all, you might want to read it for yourself. But enough about the awesome book, let’s talk about this stupid trailer.

The trailer opens up with Lincoln wandering in the middle of the forest with an axe. Pretty cool, but then the rest of the trailer is just slow motion shots of young Abraham Lincoln constantly swinging his axe and barely missing someone. The president has pretty terrible aim. Maybe if he would stop twirling it around like a fucking baton he would actually hit someone. The only thing we see him hit with his axe the entire trailer is a giant tree that he CUTS DOWN with one swing. When I say GIANT tree I mean Lord Of The Rings sized tree.

Then there is a scene where Lincoln is riding a flame engulfed train, cut to some more scenes of axe swinging and barely audible Johnny Cash.

HORRIBLE. Just really bad. I wondered why this movie looked so dark but then I saw that Tim Burton was a producer. Thank God he didn’t direct it or else I’m sure Johnny Depp would have portrayed Lincoln. All in all, if the movie is even half as good as the book it should be good. But I am not going to tell you to go out and see it. GO TO AMAZON AND READ THE BOOK!

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4 thoughts on “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

  1. Thank God he didn’t direct it or else I’m sure Johnny Depp would have portrayed Lincoln.
    Bwahaha! This is one of the best sentences I’ve read in weeks. Also? Ditto this. Thank goodness for small favors.

    Loved the book as well and suspect this will be one of the rare movies I catch at the theater. 🙂

  2. I find it hard to say Abraham Lincoln and vampire hunter in the same sentence, but I’m going to check out the book.

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