House At The End of the Street

Have not done a horror film trailer review in a while (Human Centipede is not a horror film, its a disgusting film) so here is one. House At The End Of The Street. What is with horror films with the word ‘house’ in them? What is so menacing about a house? House on Haunted hILL, Hell House, THE EVIL HOUSE… OK I just made the last one up, but it probably is a real title of some movie that made about 1,000.00 at the box office. Anyway, on with the review.

The trailer opens up with a girl hiding in a closet and whispering “OH MY GOD” then breaking glass and escaping the building by jumping into a car with no way of starting it, because it’s a horror film and all logical thinking is thrown out the window. Like, people will split up, run upstairs when being chased (where you gonna go up stairs?), and always get killed in the midst of sexual intercourse. I can go more into illogical thinking of characters in horror films in another post, because i could really just go on and on.

ANYWAY, this girl jumps into a car she has no way of starting and discovers a lunchbox containing a towel and a bottle of chloroform. She is then immediately attacked by a shadowy figure. Great, didn’t see that one coming. Then we go through the events of the movie kind of backwards, the girl is shown being attacked by a little blonde girl and tied to chairs and all kinds of  whacky bullshit. I don’t know what we are suppose to get from all of this, I guess by going backwards they hope it will make us want to see it in chronological order to discover what is going on. That might work if the plot seemed a little interesting.

Im guessing that the main character moves into a house where some people were murdered and now the house is a malevolent force of shit. Her neighbor seems to know something but he is not ‘all there’, I wouldn’t be surprised he winds up saving her at some point in the movie either by sacrificing his own goofy ass or telling her some key weakness the house has.

Im kind of confused as to why Jennifer Lawrence would even sign up for this shit. After the success of hunger games, this does not seem like an ideal next project choice. But maybe i am giving her too much credit for assuming she actually has a brain in her fucking head.

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Total Recall Trailer 1990

In honor of the new Total Recall trailer coming out this Sunday, I have decided to do a review on the original 1990 Total Recall trailer.

Ah, the good old days. Before gas was 4.00 and Arnold was a faithful Austrian action star. Total Recall is one of the most infamous sci fi movies to date. I am excited to see the remake’s trailer on Sunday but let’s first take a look back at Arnold’s.

The trailer starts out with some shot of the stars and a movie guy voice saying “Your mind… it is the center of your life. It is everything you hear. Everything you see. Everything you feel. IT IS EVERYTHING YOU ARE.” OK mysterious voice, we get it. Just shut the fuck up already and get on with the plot of this shit movie. He end this monolouge with a question…

“HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF SOMEONE STOLE YOUR MIND?!” I dont really know how to answer this, I guess there is no real way of knowing that… what a stupid question movie voice!!!

At this point in the trailer we are now flying above the Earth speeding towards some pyramid that is HUGE in comparison to the Earth, probably 1/10th its size… I am no expert but I doubt there is a pyramid that big on Earth! You’re fancy camera trickery is not fooling me SHWARTZ!

When we “crash” into this pyramid we are now suddenly shown a clip of some woman having an epileptic-ish seizure and someone screaming ARREST THAT WOMAN!  But it’s no woman at all! Its Arnold! He is dressed up in high-tech disguise as some middle-aged over weight woman (A MAID PERHAPS?!). He throws the head of the disguise at the group of men there to arrest him and the head says “get ready for a surprise!” and the head explodes.

WOW. Arnold then begins running through the complex and then a cut of a man comes on and literally says “WE CANT LET HIM RUN AROUND!”

More scenes of Arnold running around and then some white-haired man screams “THERE!” because apparently they have him ‘bugged’. Then a scene where Arnold is watching a pre-recorded video of himself saying “take this THING out of the case and stick it up your nose… don’t worry its self guiding.” OH how reassuring, I bet that’s how he talks to Marie.

Then some more scenes of random people wanting to catch Arnold screaming “I GOT HIM”, “I LOST HIM” and “AARRRGGGHHHHHHH”

So ridiculous, how the hell did anyone even understand what this movie would be about? I have tried to watch this thing without laughing 5 times and I cant do it. I don’t know whats cheesier, Arnolds one liners or these explosions that seem to happen ever 5 seconds. At on point in the trailer Arnold highjacks a taxi and is in a high speed chase with the main villain who is unloading shot gun after shot gun blast into the taxi and not even a tire pops.

BEST ARNOLD ONE LINERS IN THIS TRAILER:

Blonde Bitch “You wouldn’t hurt me, after all we are married!”

(Arnold shoots her)

SHWARZZ “Consider that a divorce”

Disfigured Man “You have a lot of nerve showing your face around here”

(Arnold looks at his grotesque face)

SHWARZ “Look whos talking!”

And then there is this (Thanks Austin)

Maybe I am being a little too hard on this trailer. It is about 22 years old, but I can’t believe people actually saw this shit in the theater and thought OMG TOTAL RECALL…. SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT MOVIE! We all know it was, and the remake is going to be awesome… but this trailer SUCKS.

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 Trailer

I will not lie, when I was 16 I found the Twilight books in a shitty little book store and I loved them. I read them cover to cover and thought I would never find any book quite as magnificent. Then I grew wiser and immediately locked them away in the cave that is my closet, hoping no one would ever find them but not strong enough to discard them completely.

When I went through this period of loving Twilight I had no idea they would ever make a movie, so like an old boyfriend once I had put it behind me and began moving on Twilight shows up with a new wardrobe. I was a little interested until I saw the first movie. HORRIBLE. We all know what happened after that, so lets just forward to now and take a look at this retarded trailer. This is going to be pretty short because the trailer is only 49 seconds long and nothing really interesting happens.

The trailer opens up in the middle of Twilight Woods and Bella is running like a baby gazelle. Jacob makes a comment like “I didn’t expect you to seem so … YOU” in that nasally steroid modified voice of his. Then, there is a shot of Edward and Bella holding hands and Edward says “WE ARE THE SAME TEMPERATURE NOW,” which I’m sure is music to Bella’s ears because up until this point her sex life was parallel to what it would feel like to fuck a Popsicle and she also does not have to use her tampons as tea bags for Edward anymore. Finally her life can return to some normalcy.

The trailer closes with a scene of Bambi in the woods and fuck face Bella stalking it in the background, trying to look menacing.

Now, I am sorry… speaking as someone who USE to like these books I have to say that I have not really enjoyed any of these movies. New Moon was good, but I am biased because I love all of the bands on the soundtrack and that was a real draw for me. But other than that, come on, who fucking likes these movies? The books are really horribly written, the author says the word “beautiful” 198384738478374 times. Somebody needs to get Stephanie Meyers a thesaurus, but that could be over looked IF something ever actually happens.

SPOILER ALERT: No one dies, nothing happens, these books suck.

Even in Harry Potter some characters die. Not in this retarded series. Nothing happens, there is no conflict, no war, nothing. Fuck Twilight!

Hunger Games Trailer

I went to my local theater and saw this movie over the weekend, and it was actually not too bad. I don’t know if anyone reads anymore, but don’t go into this expecting it to be as gory as the books. It is only rated PG13 after all.

But despite how good I think the movie was, let’s take a look at the trailer.

It opens with the main character (Katniss) walking in Twilight woods. I was half expecting Robert Pattz to come dancing out of the Forrest carrying a 600 lb. grizzly bear on his back, but it was just this chick running around with a bow an arrow. So it is pretty clear she is allready IN the hunger games at this point. She is dodging fire balls and running through leaves.

Then suddenly and without warning we are transported back to earlier in the plot before this girl was fighting for her life and she was living in a little shit hole mining district. I don’t know why everyone is so sad to be put into the hunger games after seeing what they have to look forward to by not being picked. A life of mining coal and living in shit. Searching for bread crumbs and making clay huts, no thanks! Sign my ass up for the hunger games at age 6. But these little emo bitches are really afraid of the hunger games and do not want to be picked and they turn the ceremony into a really shitty situation for themselves.

Katniss’  little sister gets pick and she volunteers to go instead, much to everyone’s surprise. I was not surprised by it. They also pick PEETA, a weirdo who works at a bakery who once threw bread at her in the pouring rain. He had a good judge of Katniss’ character right form the start. “HERE BITCH EAT SOME SOGGY MUDDY BREAD”.

What happens after this is a series of montage shots of Katniss being made “presentable” enough to be on the hunger games in an attempt to make people root for her to be the sole survivor of the 24 tributes picked and hopefully send her some free gifts while she is dying in the Twilight Woods. The trailer ends with them all running towards a plethora of supplies at the begining of the hunger games.

I dont know what about this trailer warrants them to use the word “EPIC” when describing it. If I would have seen this without reading/ knowing of the books beforehand I would not have paid the money to watch it at the theater. The trailer really doesn’t show off the relationship formed with the two main characters and does not really explain much about the people with blue and purple hair or all the other weird shit going on in this movie. I mean LENNY KRAVITZ is in the movie at one point.

I will say you should go see it, but this trailer is fucking horrible.

 

New Stuff

Hello internet dwellers (AKA: Recent college grads living in your parents basement “looking” for jobs). Just a quick update on some new changes that will be coming to the site.

Starting this Saturday you can look forward to our new WEEKLY PODCAST. Featuring ME your host SHANNON MARTIN and some other people. We will be going over everything reviewed on THISTRAILERSUCKS.COM throughout the week and maybe even answering some of your questions, that reminds me. SEND US QUESTIONS/SUGGESTIONS for new reviews!

Also you can look forward to some new cosmetic changes as well, I will be working all this week on updated the layout and adding some new interactive features for, you the viewer. Because I am so gracious and good and God like.

IN SUMMARY: ThisTrailerSucks Weekly Podcast episode 1 this Saturday, and new site layout coming soon.

SEND YOUR QUESTIONS/SUGGESTIONS/WHO GIVES A FUCK TO THISTRAILERSUCKS@GMAIL.COM

Human Centipede Trailer

 

There is no doubt that Human Centipede was a beautiful film. I, myself received a copy of it for Christmas 2 years ago. Up until that day I had heard rumors about this behemoth of a horror flick, but Christmas Day I got to see what everyone was talking about. Too bad the trailer just looks stupid.

It opens with two absolutely moronic bitches in a hotel room. The bitch with the curly hair is on the phone trying to get directions to a club, because even though they can afford to go on a eurotrip I guess they have no GPS and neither of them have a smartphone. UNLIKELY. But the dumb curly headed bitch hangs up on the operator because the other bitch receives a call on her cell. The girl tells this moronic friend on the phone “NO SWEETIE WE ARE IN GERMANY RIGHT NOW…. KAY BYE”. Why curly haired bitch who is suppose to be getting directions hangs up to listen to their phone conversation, we will never know. But this chick must be telepathic because as the other girl hangs up she screams “BYE AMY”. How did she know who was calling? FIRST OF MANY PLOT HOLES.

The two dumb bitches get lost, DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING, and then their tire goes flat. So the most concrete plan they can come up with for getting their car fixed is NOT calling for help, but instead running through the woods and finding some stranger to help them. Unfortunately for them (but fortunate for us), they wind up running to a psychopaths house and madness ensues.

The creepy doctor they find is less concerned with helping these fucking idiots out and more concerned with sewing asses to mouths. He drugs them and they wake up in a make shift hospital in this guys basement. He explains to them that he will create a Siamese triplet connected by the gastric system. May I add that these two are not chained to the bed, they are bound by leather restraints. I would escape that bed so easily or literally die trying. I’m not a  magician but let me tell you, leather restraints are not too hard to get out of.

I’m glad I did not see this trailer before I saw the movie. It is horrible, but then again the plot is really horrible too. If it was not for the whole sewing a mouth to an ass thing, this movie is really nothing special.

 

I am Alive.

Foolish internet, did you think you could actually defeat me? Oh you did? Wow, you’re an asshole.

Let me give you a little explanation for my recent absence. It all started a few weeks ago…

I sent an article reviewing Whitney Houston’s funeral to a couple sites, in hops of getting a guest author spot. All where turned down and I received some nasty emails about it. The best one was from EZINEARTICLES.COM. They told me they would not publish anything negative about a celebrity or gossip about a celebrity. Let me say, I find that a tad bit strange. Especially since news sites like EZINEARTICLE.Com and plenty of others reported on every negative aspect of Whitney’s life and countless other celebrities. Hypocrite much? (F U EZINE!!!!)

Not to mention I wouldn’t have had a thing to say about the funeral if it was not NATIONALLY TELEVISED. Anyway, I thought it was strange but thought nothing of it. Then a few days later WordPress.Com alerted me via email that I would no longer be able to post any new content because my site THISTRAILERSUCKS.COM was going to be under investigation for “CRUEL AND NEGATIVE POSTS ABOUT CELEBRITIES/ GOSSIP”. Excuse me, I thought I lived in AMERICA.

After a few emails back and forth I finally was removed from investigation and was told that I would not have to make my site 18+. Music my ears. So now I am back and more cynical than ever. I don’t claim to me a website guru (yes I do) or claim to have one of the best trailer review sites on the internet (yes I do) but I know that me being absent for a few weeks has left you guys hanging.

Don’t worry, I will be back to regularly posting new content and I plan to have a trailer review for some oldies and new movies this week. Thanks for hanging with me and remember, if you have any ideas on a good review send em’ to me! Unlike other bloggers, I will actually try to respond to your emails because I am a unique little snow flake.

Shannon: 1 Internet:0