In honor of the new Total Recall trailer coming out this Sunday, I have decided to do a review on the original 1990 Total Recall trailer.
Ah, the good old days. Before gas was 4.00 and Arnold was a faithful Austrian action star. Total Recall is one of the most infamous sci fi movies to date. I am excited to see the remake’s trailer on Sunday but let’s first take a look back at Arnold’s.
The trailer starts out with some shot of the stars and a movie guy voice saying “Your mind… it is the center of your life. It is everything you hear. Everything you see. Everything you feel. IT IS EVERYTHING YOU ARE.” OK mysterious voice, we get it. Just shut the fuck up already and get on with the plot of this shit movie. He end this monolouge with a question…
“HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF SOMEONE STOLE YOUR MIND?!” I dont really know how to answer this, I guess there is no real way of knowing that… what a stupid question movie voice!!!
At this point in the trailer we are now flying above the Earth speeding towards some pyramid that is HUGE in comparison to the Earth, probably 1/10th its size… I am no expert but I doubt there is a pyramid that big on Earth! You’re fancy camera trickery is not fooling me SHWARTZ!
When we “crash” into this pyramid we are now suddenly shown a clip of some woman having an epileptic-ish seizure and someone screaming ARREST THAT WOMAN! But it’s no woman at all! Its Arnold! He is dressed up in high-tech disguise as some middle-aged over weight woman (A MAID PERHAPS?!). He throws the head of the disguise at the group of men there to arrest him and the head says “get ready for a surprise!” and the head explodes.
WOW. Arnold then begins running through the complex and then a cut of a man comes on and literally says “WE CANT LET HIM RUN AROUND!”
More scenes of Arnold running around and then some white-haired man screams “THERE!” because apparently they have him ‘bugged’. Then a scene where Arnold is watching a pre-recorded video of himself saying “take this THING out of the case and stick it up your nose… don’t worry its self guiding.” OH how reassuring, I bet that’s how he talks to Marie.
Then some more scenes of random people wanting to catch Arnold screaming “I GOT HIM”, “I LOST HIM” and “AARRRGGGHHHHHHH”
So ridiculous, how the hell did anyone even understand what this movie would be about? I have tried to watch this thing without laughing 5 times and I cant do it. I don’t know whats cheesier, Arnolds one liners or these explosions that seem to happen ever 5 seconds. At on point in the trailer Arnold highjacks a taxi and is in a high speed chase with the main villain who is unloading shot gun after shot gun blast into the taxi and not even a tire pops.
BEST ARNOLD ONE LINERS IN THIS TRAILER:
Blonde Bitch “You wouldn’t hurt me, after all we are married!”
(Arnold shoots her)
SHWARZZ “Consider that a divorce”
Disfigured Man “You have a lot of nerve showing your face around here”
(Arnold looks at his grotesque face)
SHWARZ “Look whos talking!”
And then there is this (Thanks Austin)
Maybe I am being a little too hard on this trailer. It is about 22 years old, but I can’t believe people actually saw this shit in the theater and thought OMG TOTAL RECALL…. SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT MOVIE! We all know it was, and the remake is going to be awesome… but this trailer SUCKS.