SHAME TRAILER

 

This movie has won award after award, BUT they are all from “Film Festivals” so they mean next to nothing, from a viewers perspective anyway. I mean, look at how many awards The Tree Of Life won and what.a.piece.of.shit.

On with the review!

SHAME is a movie about Brandon. A man living in NY who has a pretty out of control sexual addiction. His co-workers and friends have no idea that night after night this guy is banging random women and prostitutes until sunrise. Im sure for most men this sounds like an amazing life. But you can see by watching the trailer that while Brandon is addicted to sex, it leaves him confused afterwards and eventually get’s him into some serious trouble.

The big plot of this movie is that Brandon is really unhappy but can not quit his addiction to porn and promiscuous sex but when his sister comes for a visit and asks to stay at his place, he has to try to keep up the pretense that he is a normal single guy living in NY.

OK, now that we know what this movie trailer is about lets rip it. This guy looks like a serial killer. Honestly, he has slicked back hair and is a tad too pale so it would be believable if at one point in the movie he just starts stabbing bitches! Especially that sister of his. She is dressing up like a 1920’s jazz room singer. Maybe their entire family is fucked up and that’s why Brandon has an addiction in the first place. Maybe their father dressed up like a space cadet and the mother thought she was wolf man. Who the fuck knows, no who the fuck CARES?

At the end of the trailer Brandon decides to go slumming and try to pick up some neo nazi’s girlfriend. BIG MISTAKE. The guy beats the ever-loving shit out of Brandon and on top of that the neo nazi has a shaved head. So it almost looks like Brandon is getting beaten up by a penis. Maybe the director wanted us to pick up on that. The penis shaped head of this man is a metaphor for Brandon’s own disease ridden genitalia finally fighting back against Brandon and his desire to plunge his member into toxic waste (Snookie).

 

 

 

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Hunger Games Trailer

I went to my local theater and saw this movie over the weekend, and it was actually not too bad. I don’t know if anyone reads anymore, but don’t go into this expecting it to be as gory as the books. It is only rated PG13 after all.

But despite how good I think the movie was, let’s take a look at the trailer.

It opens with the main character (Katniss) walking in Twilight woods. I was half expecting Robert Pattz to come dancing out of the Forrest carrying a 600 lb. grizzly bear on his back, but it was just this chick running around with a bow an arrow. So it is pretty clear she is allready IN the hunger games at this point. She is dodging fire balls and running through leaves.

Then suddenly and without warning we are transported back to earlier in the plot before this girl was fighting for her life and she was living in a little shit hole mining district. I don’t know why everyone is so sad to be put into the hunger games after seeing what they have to look forward to by not being picked. A life of mining coal and living in shit. Searching for bread crumbs and making clay huts, no thanks! Sign my ass up for the hunger games at age 6. But these little emo bitches are really afraid of the hunger games and do not want to be picked and they turn the ceremony into a really shitty situation for themselves.

Katniss’  little sister gets pick and she volunteers to go instead, much to everyone’s surprise. I was not surprised by it. They also pick PEETA, a weirdo who works at a bakery who once threw bread at her in the pouring rain. He had a good judge of Katniss’ character right form the start. “HERE BITCH EAT SOME SOGGY MUDDY BREAD”.

What happens after this is a series of montage shots of Katniss being made “presentable” enough to be on the hunger games in an attempt to make people root for her to be the sole survivor of the 24 tributes picked and hopefully send her some free gifts while she is dying in the Twilight Woods. The trailer ends with them all running towards a plethora of supplies at the begining of the hunger games.

I dont know what about this trailer warrants them to use the word “EPIC” when describing it. If I would have seen this without reading/ knowing of the books beforehand I would not have paid the money to watch it at the theater. The trailer really doesn’t show off the relationship formed with the two main characters and does not really explain much about the people with blue and purple hair or all the other weird shit going on in this movie. I mean LENNY KRAVITZ is in the movie at one point.

I will say you should go see it, but this trailer is fucking horrible.

 

Human Centipede Trailer

 

There is no doubt that Human Centipede was a beautiful film. I, myself received a copy of it for Christmas 2 years ago. Up until that day I had heard rumors about this behemoth of a horror flick, but Christmas Day I got to see what everyone was talking about. Too bad the trailer just looks stupid.

It opens with two absolutely moronic bitches in a hotel room. The bitch with the curly hair is on the phone trying to get directions to a club, because even though they can afford to go on a eurotrip I guess they have no GPS and neither of them have a smartphone. UNLIKELY. But the dumb curly headed bitch hangs up on the operator because the other bitch receives a call on her cell. The girl tells this moronic friend on the phone “NO SWEETIE WE ARE IN GERMANY RIGHT NOW…. KAY BYE”. Why curly haired bitch who is suppose to be getting directions hangs up to listen to their phone conversation, we will never know. But this chick must be telepathic because as the other girl hangs up she screams “BYE AMY”. How did she know who was calling? FIRST OF MANY PLOT HOLES.

The two dumb bitches get lost, DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING, and then their tire goes flat. So the most concrete plan they can come up with for getting their car fixed is NOT calling for help, but instead running through the woods and finding some stranger to help them. Unfortunately for them (but fortunate for us), they wind up running to a psychopaths house and madness ensues.

The creepy doctor they find is less concerned with helping these fucking idiots out and more concerned with sewing asses to mouths. He drugs them and they wake up in a make shift hospital in this guys basement. He explains to them that he will create a Siamese triplet connected by the gastric system. May I add that these two are not chained to the bed, they are bound by leather restraints. I would escape that bed so easily or literally die trying. I’m not a  magician but let me tell you, leather restraints are not too hard to get out of.

I’m glad I did not see this trailer before I saw the movie. It is horrible, but then again the plot is really horrible too. If it was not for the whole sewing a mouth to an ass thing, this movie is really nothing special.

 

Gone Trailer

So I have been seeing this trailer on TV quite a bit and decided to give it a closer look. I would have been able to give it an even closer look if I had the same gigantic eyeballs that Amanda Seyfreid has.

But alas, I was not blessed with such a gift so I will have to settle for the standard resolution you tube trailer. *sigh*

Anyway, this movie looks horrible. The trailer starts off with Amanda’s character’s sister Molly begging her to go to dinner with her on Sunday night. Amanda does not want to go but eventually agrees to do. I wonder why this bitch doesn’t want to go to dinner with her sister? What else could she be doing? Maybe she had an appointment with the optometrist to order XXXXL contact lenses? Or maybe Amanda’s character is just an uppity bitch. Probably both.

But things take a turn for the worse when Amanda goes to meet her sister the next morning and discovers an empty bed and saying “OH MY GOD”. Tell me what is so crazy about her bed being empty? Amanda immediately jumps to the conclusion that her sister was slung over a kidnappers shoulder and dragged out into the woods.

This just sounds fucking stupid. We then see her sitting in a police station explaining that she was a victim of a kidnapping and she thinks that the killer has come back for her but instead of finding her he abducted Molly instead. Now I am confused. So this bitch was kidnapped and the guy got away with it? Further more, this bitch was kidnapped and she didn’t think to have a security system installed in her house? COME ON. She got lucky that this psycho didn’t pluck her huge eyes out of her head the first time he got a hold of her, so why not take a few security measures to make sure he couldn’t easily break in to her home? Oh I know, because she is an ASSHOLE!

When the cops ask her why this killer would come back for her she says “because I am the only one that knows his secret.” Wow. Im smelling a Shutter Island on the horizon. I am willing to bet you, that’s right, ALL OF YOU, that this movie winds up with her being the killer. I am willing to bet that she killed all the other girls and finally hopped in the hole herself and made up this crazy story trying to implicate some fictional man as the culprit.

The trailer says she only has 12 hours to find out who the killer is before her sister Molly dies. Dies from what? The last time I checked you can survive sitting in a hole for more than 12 hours. We have all waited longer at the DMV and survived. So wtf is with this time line? I guess the writer just wanted to make us feel like there would eventually be a conclusion, something that we can look at and measure how much longer we have to sit through this ridiculous piece of cinematic shit.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Everyone knows Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe was our nations 16th president, and he was a damn good one too! He abolished slavery so that has to stand for something!

But this year we will get to see him in a new light, as an axe wielding murderer of the undead.

If you have not read the book I urge you to pick it up or download it on whatever tablet you probably have, you trendy little devil you!

For those of you that don’t know anything about the Lincoln Vampire tale let me fill you in. In this story Abe is told by his father when he is a young boy that vampires are real and that vampires have killed not only his grandfather but his mother as well. Shocked upon hearing this, Abe then lures the vampire responsible for his mothers death back to his home and kills him with a homemade stake (homemade, are there any other kinds of vampire stakes?). He teams up with a “good vampire” and spends most of his teen years searching for EVIL vampires. Until one day he stumbles upon a slave trader and he is disgusted to find that the slave trader not only is selling slaves but he is too in fact a VAMPIRE and the slaves are not being used for labor but as FOOD!

Lincoln then decides that the only way to end the reign of vampires in America is to make it impossible for them to buy their victims in this manner. THUS BEGINS THE ELECTION PHASE OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

I wont go too much more into it because, after all, you might want to read it for yourself. But enough about the awesome book, let’s talk about this stupid trailer.

The trailer opens up with Lincoln wandering in the middle of the forest with an axe. Pretty cool, but then the rest of the trailer is just slow motion shots of young Abraham Lincoln constantly swinging his axe and barely missing someone. The president has pretty terrible aim. Maybe if he would stop twirling it around like a fucking baton he would actually hit someone. The only thing we see him hit with his axe the entire trailer is a giant tree that he CUTS DOWN with one swing. When I say GIANT tree I mean Lord Of The Rings sized tree.

Then there is a scene where Lincoln is riding a flame engulfed train, cut to some more scenes of axe swinging and barely audible Johnny Cash.

HORRIBLE. Just really bad. I wondered why this movie looked so dark but then I saw that Tim Burton was a producer. Thank God he didn’t direct it or else I’m sure Johnny Depp would have portrayed Lincoln. All in all, if the movie is even half as good as the book it should be good. But I am not going to tell you to go out and see it. GO TO AMAZON AND READ THE BOOK!

The “Amazing” Spider Man

I know I am a little late on this trailer, but that’s because I have been DREADING watching it.

The problem with all of the Spider Man movies (like most comic book movies) is that Spider Man is not really that great of a comic book super hero to begin with.  I think Hollywood focus’s a little too much on mainstream comic books to turn into movies. I love when I see movies like The Watchmen and V For Vendetta because they have more than just flashy special effects, there is a really great story that makes you think. That being said, I don’t really expect anything spectacular from movies like Spider Man or The Green Lantern because the source material is just garbage to begin with. Going to see Green Lantern and expecting to be moved to tears is like whipping your ass and expecting a rainbow streak to be left on the toilet paper. Its Not Going To Happen.

But that’s enough about me hating Hollywood super hero movies, lets take a look at the trailer.

I heard months ago that this was suppose to be a retelling of the Spider Man origin story and I thought to myself “how fucking boring.” The last thing I want to see is dweeby Peter Parker crying over not going to prom with MJ AGAIN. But from what we can see of this trailer MJ is not even in the movie. So that right there is plus. Peter Parker is portrayed this time by Andrew Garfield (The Social Network) and he definitely has the whole socially awkward/annoying thing down. He is apparently a lot better off then Maguires version on spidey was since he is invited over to have dinner with Gwen who is his friend/girlfriend/who gives a fuck.

While this movie will be an origin story it’s totally different. Gwen works as a science lab secretary/hooker and invites her geeky companion (Parker) for a tour of the facility and as he is looking around in the restricted area he is BITTEN BY A SPIDER! But him becoming Spider Man is almost like a sub plot, because it seems more like he will be spending the entire film trying to find out what happened to his parents. Honestly, some things you are just better off not knowing. Look at little Orphan Annie, her parents dumped her ass and she wound up with Poon Jab and Daddy Warbux.

The villain is a giant turtle without a shell. That is all I have to say about that.

I am really not liking the way the special effects make New York City look in the trailer. It looks a little to sci-fi for me. I also really hope we don’t have to sit and watch a lot of the Mirrors Edge – ish  first person Spider Man P.O.V. that would really suck, especially in 3D.

Ill end this one telling you what the absolute worst part of this trailer was. At one point, Spider Man is out being a vigilante and sits in on a car theft in progress. From the back seat Peter Parker says “If you’re going to steal cars, don’t go out dressed like a car thief.” What? What does that even fucking mean? I did not know there was a way to go out dressed like a car thief. The guy is wearing a beanie and a sweat shirt. This is the writers attempt at witty wisecracks? How did Stan Lee have no trouble writing, I dunno, thousands of memorable jokes for Spider Man in his comics and these stupid fucks cant come up with 2 or 3 for a 2 hour movie? That pretty much sums up what I think of this pile of webbed shit.

The Maguire Spideys might not have been perfect, but they were good. This is just a way to try to pump some more money out of the Spider Man franchise. This ‘update’ was not needed and I don’t think I will see it until it is available at RedBox, and even then I will use a promo code and see it for FREE.

Seeking Justice

Wow. If you want to look at the trailer it can be found here http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1214962/#lb-vi1021747481.

On with the review.

It’s no secret that Nicolas Cage has been pumping out shitty movies like Wonka Bars, but when I saw the Guy Pearce was going to be in this one it peaked my interest. I was wrong. It seems that no matter who Cage’s co-star is the movie is almost always terrible.This one is no exception to the rule.

The trailer opens with Cage giving his mid 20’s wife/finance/who gives a fuck an anniversary present, probably some cheap locket from Craigslist. How sweet. But soon after that she is mugged and sent to the hospital. AWWWWW. Cage runs to see her at the hospital were he discovers she has been badly injured after the altercation. Later in the waiting room he is approached by Pearce who tells him that he is part of an underground ‘justice league’ and will help Cage get back at the person responsible for doing this to his wife/finance/who gives a fuck.

Wait. What? This is the premise for the movie? Cage hires hit men to take care of some ass wipe that tried to mug his girlfriend, in the hospital waiting room? …

Of course Cage doesn’t think this is a bad idea because he is a fucking moron and you see the mugger get shot by Pearce and his men. Cage goes back to living life as a normal, flannel t shirt wearing, past his prime man. With his prosti-tot wife/girlfriend/who gives a fuck at his side. All is well, until he receives a phone call from Pearce saying that now he owes them a favor. Scenes of hilarity ensue as we see clips of Cage speeding on high ways, flipping cars, explosions, and even a fist fight with Pearce himself.

Now what am I really suppose to say about this? If you have not watched the trailer yet do it and tell me if I am wrong, because I just don’t see how this will ever make a good film. We all know the price of going to the movies, are you really going to pay 20 bucks to go see Nicolas Cage flip cars on the free way and scream?  The best part about Cages performance in this movie will probably be his goatee, that thing really has it’s shit together.