Getting Ready for the New Year (or the Apocalypse, what ever comes first)

Hello fellow Trailer and Movie cynics!

Its been a long time! Some of the old things Ive talked about before about adding podcast and videos will all be coming to fruition after the upcoming holiday season.

What to look for?!

  • This Month I will be posting trailer reviews of some of the worst Holiday movies EVER EVER created.
  • Special Holiday Countdown of the worst trailers of 2012!
  • Introduction of ThisTrailerSucks YouTube channel
  • Countdown to the end of the world.

So, stay tuned!

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LOL TRAILER

OK, I have a hundred different things going on right now. but this trailer review could not wait a minute more.

Everyone knows Miley Cyrus, unless you happen to be deaf, mute, and blind. But if you are, I doubt you are usuing the internet… you are probably using brail or something and I am pretty sure I do not have a brail publication of THISTRAILERSUCKS.COM out for purchase ( YET >:D ) so this was a pointless run on sentence.

ANYWAY, we all know Miley and her annoying voice. I annoying the right word? Her voice has the same sound of an old heavy smoker who drowns their sorrows in whisky but says things like “OH EM GEE” and “KEWL”. So it is a pretty odd choice that they would have her doing the voice over to this retarded trailer, you would think they would want someone with a soothing/exciting voice like Demi Moore… oh wait nevermind.

The trailer opens up with Miley telling us about starting her new school year at a high school filled with attractive teenagers. That always bothers me. Why in movies do high schoolers, even the geeky ones, never have any acne or mentally disabled kids in their high schools taking “life skills” classes? In my H.S. we always had a boat load of mentally challenged teens who would spend an entire school day in one classroom learning how to make change and not shit their pants. Just another unsolved mystery.

You can tell from the trailer that Miley’s character is pretty popular, and by popular I mean…. she gets around, and by gets around I mean, she spend a lot of time playing the skin flute.

She tells us that her name is Lola but everyone calls her… LOL. This movie sounds GREAT….

We are then shown a clip of Miley doing what she does best with her ‘boyfriend’ and she scolds him for not calling or texting her. He then admits that he hooked up with someone else. This news causes Miley to run as fast as she can away from him an flail her arms about over her head. Oscars watch out! We then see her dive into her bed and sob uncontrollably while Stick Stickley (DEMI MOORE) tries to comfort her by holding her against her boney, sad body.

After Mileys encounter with Skelator (DEMI MOORE) she goes back to her room and angrily writes in her diary and changes her boyfriends contact name in her cell phone from “boyfriend” to “EX-boyfriend” thus making it official. One thing, who puts people in their phone under contact names like boyfriend and girlfriend? Is miley so underdeveloped that the only way she can remember who someone is in her phone is by labeling them in such a way “FRIEND”, “BOYFRIEND”, “SCIENCE TEACHER”, “BLONDE FRIEND.” Maybe her breasts developed instead of her brain.

Then we follow Miley on a  montage of her falling for her ex boyfriends friend and her confronting her ex’S new girlfriend. Here is how that conversation goes:

New GF: Dont be jelous

Miley: DONT WORRY

END.

In SUMMARY: This is a fucking train wreck. This is obviously meant to be a teen drama, but it comes of as cliche and comedic. Movies with such a predictable plot and shitty cast should not be allowed to exist.

THIS TRAILER SUCKS PODCAST!

OK, so this is a way bigger project than I had thought it would turn out to be. TTS Podcast WILL happen, unfortunately it looks like it may not be as quick and easy as I originally thought. Mainly because I wan’t to make sure it is something really original and something that you guys will like to listen to on a weekly basis.

What does this mean?

TTS PODCAST is happening and it will be up by the weekend. Thanks for your patience, and you suck.

-Shannon

House At The End of the Street

Have not done a horror film trailer review in a while (Human Centipede is not a horror film, its a disgusting film) so here is one. House At The End Of The Street. What is with horror films with the word ‘house’ in them? What is so menacing about a house? House on Haunted hILL, Hell House, THE EVIL HOUSE… OK I just made the last one up, but it probably is a real title of some movie that made about 1,000.00 at the box office. Anyway, on with the review.

The trailer opens up with a girl hiding in a closet and whispering “OH MY GOD” then breaking glass and escaping the building by jumping into a car with no way of starting it, because it’s a horror film and all logical thinking is thrown out the window. Like, people will split up, run upstairs when being chased (where you gonna go up stairs?), and always get killed in the midst of sexual intercourse. I can go more into illogical thinking of characters in horror films in another post, because i could really just go on and on.

ANYWAY, this girl jumps into a car she has no way of starting and discovers a lunchbox containing a towel and a bottle of chloroform. She is then immediately attacked by a shadowy figure. Great, didn’t see that one coming. Then we go through the events of the movie kind of backwards, the girl is shown being attacked by a little blonde girl and tied to chairs and all kinds of  whacky bullshit. I don’t know what we are suppose to get from all of this, I guess by going backwards they hope it will make us want to see it in chronological order to discover what is going on. That might work if the plot seemed a little interesting.

Im guessing that the main character moves into a house where some people were murdered and now the house is a malevolent force of shit. Her neighbor seems to know something but he is not ‘all there’, I wouldn’t be surprised he winds up saving her at some point in the movie either by sacrificing his own goofy ass or telling her some key weakness the house has.

Im kind of confused as to why Jennifer Lawrence would even sign up for this shit. After the success of hunger games, this does not seem like an ideal next project choice. But maybe i am giving her too much credit for assuming she actually has a brain in her fucking head.