The (DE)Evolution Of The Hollywood Star

Ever watch TMZ and wonder… “What the fuck are these rich bastard complaining about?” I always find it strange when actors and actresses shy away from, and sometimes even punch, the camera’s. Why do they hate the attention they begged for so much? I suppose mortals like you and I will never understand what it feels like to be constantly hawked over by paparazzi, but I would imagine it would feel pretty awesome.

But in the past few decades with the invention of digital cameras and pretty much EVERYONE having a camera on their cell phones, it is harder than ever for high profile celebrities to get even a SMIDGE of privacy. Too bad for them, fantastic for us. Thinking about this and looking at photos on the internet made me really want to show you what a difference a few decades can make. Lets go back to the FIRST film ever made.

The Horse In Motion (1878)

The Horse In Motion is said to be the FIRST movie ever released. It was the creation of Eadweard Muybridge.

Not very photogenic.

The film is shown above, a single looping clip that made audiences GASP with delight. No one could believe that this man was able to make a horse gallop right before their eyes. Needless to say, no one was following this Santa look-a-like around asking for his autograph. He was treated more like a scientist than a director of JAMES CAMERON proportion. People wanted to know how he did it, once the secret was this Horse gave birth to the film industry.

With the new industry blossoming, then came the actors. Yes the jackasses that were going to be paid for learning a few lines. Are you ever sickened by the fact that these actors and actresses make MORE money than an entire police department? I think that all this money and increased demand for pictures of celebrities over the years has turned them into walking punch lines. Lets compare some of the golden age Hollywood stars to the dirt bags we have now.

THEN:

What a beautiful and glamorous lady Lucy was. She really was a talent, and always looking her best.

NOW:

This is our red head of the new millennium. A dazed and totally confused Linday gives us a smile only a mother could love. Not her mother of course, that lady is only after her money.

THEN:

Oh Judy Garland! What a shame there is no one like you for the young women of America to look up too!

NOW:

Instead, this is what we get. An 80% alcohol carbon copy, singing and dancing around like an inebriated cow.

I hope one day Hollywood can return to its golden age. Back before stars decided to go out and do cartwheels without and undergarments on, and run around sun set strip with shaved heads attacking reporters with umbrellas. Their personal lives have become more interesting than any of the films they star in.

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Hunger Games Trailer

I went to my local theater and saw this movie over the weekend, and it was actually not too bad. I don’t know if anyone reads anymore, but don’t go into this expecting it to be as gory as the books. It is only rated PG13 after all.

But despite how good I think the movie was, let’s take a look at the trailer.

It opens with the main character (Katniss) walking in Twilight woods. I was half expecting Robert Pattz to come dancing out of the Forrest carrying a 600 lb. grizzly bear on his back, but it was just this chick running around with a bow an arrow. So it is pretty clear she is allready IN the hunger games at this point. She is dodging fire balls and running through leaves.

Then suddenly and without warning we are transported back to earlier in the plot before this girl was fighting for her life and she was living in a little shit hole mining district. I don’t know why everyone is so sad to be put into the hunger games after seeing what they have to look forward to by not being picked. A life of mining coal and living in shit. Searching for bread crumbs and making clay huts, no thanks! Sign my ass up for the hunger games at age 6. But these little emo bitches are really afraid of the hunger games and do not want to be picked and they turn the ceremony into a really shitty situation for themselves.

Katniss’  little sister gets pick and she volunteers to go instead, much to everyone’s surprise. I was not surprised by it. They also pick PEETA, a weirdo who works at a bakery who once threw bread at her in the pouring rain. He had a good judge of Katniss’ character right form the start. “HERE BITCH EAT SOME SOGGY MUDDY BREAD”.

What happens after this is a series of montage shots of Katniss being made “presentable” enough to be on the hunger games in an attempt to make people root for her to be the sole survivor of the 24 tributes picked and hopefully send her some free gifts while she is dying in the Twilight Woods. The trailer ends with them all running towards a plethora of supplies at the begining of the hunger games.

I dont know what about this trailer warrants them to use the word “EPIC” when describing it. If I would have seen this without reading/ knowing of the books beforehand I would not have paid the money to watch it at the theater. The trailer really doesn’t show off the relationship formed with the two main characters and does not really explain much about the people with blue and purple hair or all the other weird shit going on in this movie. I mean LENNY KRAVITZ is in the movie at one point.

I will say you should go see it, but this trailer is fucking horrible.

 

Blockbuster Franchise R.I.HELL.

A couple of weeks ago my local Blockbuster finally shut down and closed their doors for good. So I decided I would do a post telling you, the reader, about some of my very own personal experiences with Blockbuster.

Did you know that I was a former Blockbuster employee? YES I WAS! But my career as a Blockbuster Movie clerk was short-lived, after a couple of weeks of their bullshit I got right the hell out of there but I still continued to occasionally rent a movie or game from there. Hey, nobody is perfect. From an insider’s perspective, I really am not that surprised they went out of business. The amount of lies we would tell our “guests” was unbelievable. It was like we all traded in our morals for that blue and yellow polo shirt. For a complete and VERY ACCURATE list of lies we all would tell consumers on a daily basis click HERE.

Another reason I believe blockbuster was doomed has to be those pathetic attempts at marketing campaigns. Whoever was in charge of these disgusting commercials should be brought out and given multiple paper cuts with Blockbuster Membership cards. Lets take a look at some:

1990 Blockbuster Kiddie Commercial

This one is obviously directed at the kids. But what the FUCK were they thinking. A group of four small children (ONE OF THEM BLACK TO SHOW EVERYONE, “HEY BLOCKBUSTER IS A GOOD TIME FOR ETHNIC GROUP!”) running, nay SPRINTING into blockbuster. No parents present, and these four kids must have been on some crazy drugs because they are chasing dinosaurs and riding in spaceships. Its fucking crazy. At the end of the commercial they introduce us to all of the characters in the cartoon, telling us their names and likes. I guess Blockbuster was thinking about making a cartoon series? That’s the only reason I can think that they would spend a good 20 seconds of their commercial time saying nothing about Blockbuster and telling us about the lives of this multiracial group of friends. Not the best way to spend paid air time.

1992 Blockbuster Commercial

Ahh, the good old days. You can tell Blockbuster thought they were hot shit around the time they made this commercial. The voice over tells us that “With over 10,000 movies to choose from in store, there’s no wonder Blockbuster Videos are popping up all over the country”. Fast forward 20 years and “with Redbox vendors offering only 1.00 rentals it’s no wonder Blockbusters are closing all over the country,” muahaha. This commercial really disturbs me. This little white suburban family is in a white room and then out of no were shit is coming out of the floor, movies are floating on the shelves, people are just appearing in the store with them, and the clerk is totally chill. She’s just behind the counter not giving a shit what happens.

1993 Blockbuster Christmas Commercial

In this one we see a Mom who is telling us “WOULDNT IT BE NICE TO GET YOUR SHOPPING ALL DONE IN ONE STORE, WELL AT BLOCKBUSTER YOU CAN FIND A MOVIE FOR EVERYBODY!” Yeah OK, who wants to be the asshole giving everyone one copy of Forrest Gump on VHS for Christmas? Blockbuster is not a place to get EVERYONE’S Christmas shopping done, you’re thinking of Macy or J C Penny or WALMART for fuck sake.

Carl and Ray 2000’s

Probably the best Blockbuster commercials ever made. This was still a few years away from Netflix’s rise to supreme power, and Blockbuster had some dough to spend. So they figured, why not spend it on some cgi. Plan sounds good, until they settled on making the new commercials be about a rabbit and a hamster that are just sitting across the street from a Blockbuster store in a very nicely kept cage inside of a pet store. AND NO ONE EVER BUYS THESE TWO ANIMALS. Where is Sarah Mclachlan when you need her?

Blockbuster was no where near as popular as it was before the emergence of Netflix, but my local store they knew they were really fucked when Redbox’s started popping up everywhere. Who in their right mind is going to pay a couple of bucks and  walk into blockbuster when they could spend ONE DOLLAR, rent the movie, and then return it to ANY of the other 3,000,000,000 redbox locations the next day? AN ASSHOLE, THAT’S WHO.

Sorry Blockbuster but seriously how long did you think we were all going to rely on YOU for renting new release movies? 80,000 people live in my town and you got 40 copies of WAR OF THE WORLDS when it was released. You stupid assholes! Then you expect to make up for it being out by offering a ‘free classic movie rental’. Sounds great, I just drove 15-20 minutes out of my way to watch a new release movie that you didn’t have, but I shouldn’t be mad because you’re gonna make up for it by letting me pic a movie that’s 2-10 years old? ARE YOU GUYS OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS?!
Yes we are!

The list of reasons why Blockbuster is out of business just goes on and on. But at least now I will never have to return hangover 2, and to be honest I probably wouldn’t have anyway.

Gone Trailer

So I have been seeing this trailer on TV quite a bit and decided to give it a closer look. I would have been able to give it an even closer look if I had the same gigantic eyeballs that Amanda Seyfreid has.

But alas, I was not blessed with such a gift so I will have to settle for the standard resolution you tube trailer. *sigh*

Anyway, this movie looks horrible. The trailer starts off with Amanda’s character’s sister Molly begging her to go to dinner with her on Sunday night. Amanda does not want to go but eventually agrees to do. I wonder why this bitch doesn’t want to go to dinner with her sister? What else could she be doing? Maybe she had an appointment with the optometrist to order XXXXL contact lenses? Or maybe Amanda’s character is just an uppity bitch. Probably both.

But things take a turn for the worse when Amanda goes to meet her sister the next morning and discovers an empty bed and saying “OH MY GOD”. Tell me what is so crazy about her bed being empty? Amanda immediately jumps to the conclusion that her sister was slung over a kidnappers shoulder and dragged out into the woods.

This just sounds fucking stupid. We then see her sitting in a police station explaining that she was a victim of a kidnapping and she thinks that the killer has come back for her but instead of finding her he abducted Molly instead. Now I am confused. So this bitch was kidnapped and the guy got away with it? Further more, this bitch was kidnapped and she didn’t think to have a security system installed in her house? COME ON. She got lucky that this psycho didn’t pluck her huge eyes out of her head the first time he got a hold of her, so why not take a few security measures to make sure he couldn’t easily break in to her home? Oh I know, because she is an ASSHOLE!

When the cops ask her why this killer would come back for her she says “because I am the only one that knows his secret.” Wow. Im smelling a Shutter Island on the horizon. I am willing to bet you, that’s right, ALL OF YOU, that this movie winds up with her being the killer. I am willing to bet that she killed all the other girls and finally hopped in the hole herself and made up this crazy story trying to implicate some fictional man as the culprit.

The trailer says she only has 12 hours to find out who the killer is before her sister Molly dies. Dies from what? The last time I checked you can survive sitting in a hole for more than 12 hours. We have all waited longer at the DMV and survived. So wtf is with this time line? I guess the writer just wanted to make us feel like there would eventually be a conclusion, something that we can look at and measure how much longer we have to sit through this ridiculous piece of cinematic shit.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Everyone knows Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe was our nations 16th president, and he was a damn good one too! He abolished slavery so that has to stand for something!

But this year we will get to see him in a new light, as an axe wielding murderer of the undead.

If you have not read the book I urge you to pick it up or download it on whatever tablet you probably have, you trendy little devil you!

For those of you that don’t know anything about the Lincoln Vampire tale let me fill you in. In this story Abe is told by his father when he is a young boy that vampires are real and that vampires have killed not only his grandfather but his mother as well. Shocked upon hearing this, Abe then lures the vampire responsible for his mothers death back to his home and kills him with a homemade stake (homemade, are there any other kinds of vampire stakes?). He teams up with a “good vampire” and spends most of his teen years searching for EVIL vampires. Until one day he stumbles upon a slave trader and he is disgusted to find that the slave trader not only is selling slaves but he is too in fact a VAMPIRE and the slaves are not being used for labor but as FOOD!

Lincoln then decides that the only way to end the reign of vampires in America is to make it impossible for them to buy their victims in this manner. THUS BEGINS THE ELECTION PHASE OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

I wont go too much more into it because, after all, you might want to read it for yourself. But enough about the awesome book, let’s talk about this stupid trailer.

The trailer opens up with Lincoln wandering in the middle of the forest with an axe. Pretty cool, but then the rest of the trailer is just slow motion shots of young Abraham Lincoln constantly swinging his axe and barely missing someone. The president has pretty terrible aim. Maybe if he would stop twirling it around like a fucking baton he would actually hit someone. The only thing we see him hit with his axe the entire trailer is a giant tree that he CUTS DOWN with one swing. When I say GIANT tree I mean Lord Of The Rings sized tree.

Then there is a scene where Lincoln is riding a flame engulfed train, cut to some more scenes of axe swinging and barely audible Johnny Cash.

HORRIBLE. Just really bad. I wondered why this movie looked so dark but then I saw that Tim Burton was a producer. Thank God he didn’t direct it or else I’m sure Johnny Depp would have portrayed Lincoln. All in all, if the movie is even half as good as the book it should be good. But I am not going to tell you to go out and see it. GO TO AMAZON AND READ THE BOOK!