Mobile Review

 Unblock Me

Unblock me is a game free to download on iTunes and the Android market. I first was introduced to it one night while I was searching the Android market for a good time waster app. When I found Unblock Me it was love at first sight.


Basically, the objective is to move the red block through the passageway. You accomplish this by moving the other blocks around until a clear path is formed. Since there is no story line I suggest making up your own to make things a bit more interesting. For instance I named my red block “Harold” and in my story line Harold is about to shit his pants and needs to get to the bathroom but all these other fucking blocks are in the way! It really creates a sense of urgency and leaves me asking questions like:


– What did Harold eat?
– Does he have I.B.S.?
– Will there be toilet paper when he gets there?


See what I mean? Anyway,the puzzles in Unblock Me are quite challenging. Sometimes  I find myself staring at the screen and trying to will and exit to appear with my eye balls, and when that doesn’t work I just close the app and go on a 2 hour Facebook “like” spree.  


BOTTOM LINE: Its a really straight forward game. One main objective, BUT Its FREE so why not download it? 

Review Rewind

DEAD ISLAND (XBOX 360)

 

Trapped on a resort Island that’s inhabited with hordes of the undead, drivable vehicles, leveling up… did I mention zombies?! Sounds awesome right? WRONG!

Dead Island had an awesome trailer, remember? The trailer showcases a family on vacation when the outbreak takes place and it is very emotional. The trailer also featured a really great song (that’s never played during game play ONCE) and it really looked like Dead Island was going to make a more sophisticated zombie game. But it saddens me to report that the actual game is almost NOTHING like the trailer.

The game starts with a video shot through the perspective of some high/drunk asshole (Charlie Sheen?) wandering about the resort stumbling into people and generally pissing people off and even stealing some poor dying girls medication right off the bathroom floor, all the while some ridiculous rap song called “Who Do You Voodoo Bitch” pumps in the background.

It was at this point in the game that I suspected I had been lied to and led astray by the trailer. But I decided to continue playing. After the video is over the game demanded I pick between four of the most retarded characters I have ever seen. Your options are as follows:

1-Worthless Asian hotel desk clerk
2-Ex-Red Neck Football player with a bum knee
3-Washed up rapper responsible for the “Who Do You Voodoo” bullshit of a song. This guys is probably the most laughable, he has a doo-rag on and a full on leather trench coat. (Morpheus? Lawl.)
4-Foxy Cleopatra

I decided to go with the football player because the others were just too ridiculous to even be considered. I want to stress that the first 10 minutes of the game are the best out of the entire campaign. You really feel a sense of urgency to get the hell out of that hotel and meet up with the other survivors and there are a few surprises waiting for you before you leave. But after you meet up with the other survivors it becomes clear what you are going to be doing for the next 15 hours.

The main objective is to get off the island and everyone who has survived aside from you might as well be dead. These people cant do fuck for themselves. You have to feed them, bring them water, bring them cars, you name it they need it and that’s all you do. Some of the worthless bastards even make requests like “can you bring me a bottle of champagne”. They should have given you the option to kill off the especially annoying survivors and use them as meat bags to distract the zombies. Not that you really need to distract the zombies, they are no challenge at all.

I was given a variety of weapons to choose form in D.I. but the best one by far was my characters own right foot. For some reason my single foot could send multiple zombies flying backwards through the air, even though he had a supposedly “bum knee”. LIES!!!

BOTTOM LINE: I’m not really convinced Dead Island knew what it was suppose to be. It had potential for greatness but after all the back tracking and babysitting the other survivors it wound up playing more like an M Rated Nintendogs.

Review Rewind

ALTERED BEAST(SEGA GENESIS 1988)

 

When I was a young Altered Beast scared the shit out of me. You play as a hero who is literally raised from the dead by what would appear to be Zeus or some other God to rescue a girl who has been captured by an albino man draped in a purple cloth. Come to think of it he guy actually looks a lot like Powder.

 

Striking resemblance, I know.

Anyway, while I played it almost weekly when I was younger on the Sega Genesis I never was able to beat the game. So when I heard that it was going to be featured on the Genesis Collection for PS3 I went out and got a copy. Obviously this time around I was older and wiser and expected to easily beat this albino bastard and finally rescue the girl. Not the case.

Altered Beast was every bit as challenging as I remembered it to be. I even tried co-op mode and figured the game would be a little more manageable with another player but not at all. Some of the enemies in Altered Beast are impossible to hit without taking any damage, and while there are opportunities to “Power Up” you never receive any health. This is likely due to the fact that it was originally an arcade game and the developers had to think of a way to get kids to keep pumping in quarters, but this should have been changed when they decided to release it onto consoles.

Another thing that surprised me about Altered Beast this time around is how short the game actually is. Four levels and four bosses. Then you are done. Really the only challenging part about the game is the health issue but on the PS3 there is a save mode. After hours of trying to beat the game without using the save mode I finally broke down and just said “fuck it”. If you are saving constantly you can beat the game in under 15 minutes.

BOTTOM LINE: All in all I think that Altered Beast was one of my favorite titles on the Genesis. It was scary, the transformations your characters takes on are all pretty cool, excluding the one when you become a bear. The bear just looked to cute to be in an underground hell dimension.

Review Rewind

L.A. Noir (XBOX 360)  

To be honest the only reason I even picked this game up was because the local Block Buster FINALLY CLOSED their doors and I was able to purchase Noir for 11 dollars. I am glad that I did not spend much more on it than that.

Set in Hollywood in the late 1940’s you play as Cole Phelps and work your way up from a regular deputy to homicide detective. Sounds good in theory, and with Rockstar being involved this game certainly seemed to spike a lot of interest. Mainly because people thought this would be like Grand Theft Auto set in the 40’s. Not at all. If you want to have any chance of enjoying Noir don’t go into it expecting it to be anything like GTA, if you do you will be really disappointed.

There is really know roaming around the city allowed, you just go form mission to mission. The only time you can drive around and openly explore the city is when you are suppose to be on your way to a crime scene. But you are not allowed to do anything while driving around. You can’t enter any stores, purchase any new clothes, or even senselessly beat the shit out of random people you see walking around on the streets of L.A.. So in summation, there is no real point to doing anything other than the missions.

Being allowed to only do mission after mission is not ALWAYS a bad thing when it is done right. I mean, I like a good linear story just as much as the next person. But the missions in L.A. Noir just sort of blend together after a while. It is the same routine over and over again: Go to the crime scene and walk around until your control vibrates to find clues and then proceed to drive to 50 other locations. Occasionally there is a shoot-out but for the most part the game is just you walking around waiting for your controller to vibrate.

As far as game play goes controlling Phelps is a task in itself. He runs slower than any character I have played in a video game to date and trying to get him to take a closer look at clues can be a real pain in the ass. Also, I am not sure if it was because I chose to play it on the XBOX or not but the game definitely has some problems when it comes to shading. Sometimes during game play shades on the floor or around my character will look like blocks and flicker.

BOTTOM LINE: I wish I could say that I disliked this game just because there was no free roam but it is flawed all around. I would recommend buying it if you can get your hands on it for $10.00 or less.