The (DE)Evolution Of The Hollywood Star

Ever watch TMZ and wonder… “What the fuck are these rich bastard complaining about?” I always find it strange when actors and actresses shy away from, and sometimes even punch, the camera’s. Why do they hate the attention they begged for so much? I suppose mortals like you and I will never understand what it feels like to be constantly hawked over by paparazzi, but I would imagine it would feel pretty awesome.

But in the past few decades with the invention of digital cameras and pretty much EVERYONE having a camera on their cell phones, it is harder than ever for high profile celebrities to get even a SMIDGE of privacy. Too bad for them, fantastic for us. Thinking about this and looking at photos on the internet made me really want to show you what a difference a few decades can make. Lets go back to the FIRST film ever made.

The Horse In Motion (1878)

The Horse In Motion is said to be the FIRST movie ever released. It was the creation of Eadweard Muybridge.

Not very photogenic.

The film is shown above, a single looping clip that made audiences GASP with delight. No one could believe that this man was able to make a horse gallop right before their eyes. Needless to say, no one was following this Santa look-a-like around asking for his autograph. He was treated more like a scientist than a director of JAMES CAMERON proportion. People wanted to know how he did it, once the secret was this Horse gave birth to the film industry.

With the new industry blossoming, then came the actors. Yes the jackasses that were going to be paid for learning a few lines. Are you ever sickened by the fact that these actors and actresses make MORE money than an entire police department? I think that all this money and increased demand for pictures of celebrities over the years has turned them into walking punch lines. Lets compare some of the golden age Hollywood stars to the dirt bags we have now.

THEN:

What a beautiful and glamorous lady Lucy was. She really was a talent, and always looking her best.

NOW:

This is our red head of the new millennium. A dazed and totally confused Linday gives us a smile only a mother could love. Not her mother of course, that lady is only after her money.

THEN:

Oh Judy Garland! What a shame there is no one like you for the young women of America to look up too!

NOW:

Instead, this is what we get. An 80% alcohol carbon copy, singing and dancing around like an inebriated cow.

I hope one day Hollywood can return to its golden age. Back before stars decided to go out and do cartwheels without and undergarments on, and run around sun set strip with shaved heads attacking reporters with umbrellas. Their personal lives have become more interesting than any of the films they star in.

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The Red Solo Cup

The red solo cup. As far as online celebrities go the red solo cup is an a lister. Look right now at every one of your friends on facebook and I am sure there is at least one picture of them holding onto one of these with a “duck face” or thumbs up to go with it.

What is it about the Red Solo Cup that has made it such a hit? Maybe its… THE PRICE.

Do we really want to buy 100 glass cups to be used by drunk/high guests at parties? No, instead we say “here take one of these fine bright red liquid docking stations, fill it with some cheap liquor and dollar store cola, and have an enchanting evening.” Well, maybe we don’t say it exactly like that but you get the picture. Not only is the red solo cup CHEAP but the red cup has the ability to conceal what is actually inside of the cup. This made it a HUGE hit will college students and high schoolers a like.

“WHATS THAT IN YOUR CUP YOUNG LADY,” says the meddling, nosey adult.

“Why, this is merely a plastic cup filled with Vitamin D milk” says the innocent and insanely drunk youth.

“I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! YOU HAVE FUN DRINKING IT OUT OF YOUR RED CUP”. SEE IT WORKS!

So the price is definitely an attractive point and the red cups ability to hide what is inside is even more attractive, but what made us all want to have red solo cups at our parties? A movie perhaps???? Just another example of how movies and the media has dominated your life without you even noticing it.

Sure make a movie with some stars who appeal to a younger crowd eagerly slurping on alcohol out of these little red cups and watch the sales go through the roof. In movies like ANIMAL HOUSE, AMERICAN PIE, and ANY teen movie you always see the cast at a party with a RED solo cup. This suggests why the sales of the RED solo cup are always extremely higher than any other color. Some say it is because RED is a neutral color that is liked by both men and women. But thats bullshit. If everyone in ANIMAL HOUSE was drinking out of black solo cups or blue solo cups or even ORANGE solo cups, so would we.

Don’t even try to be a trendy hipster and say “OH I ACTUALLY PREFER THE BLUE SOLO CUP.” Because FUCK YOU, YOU DON’T!

In Summary: We are all sheep, drinking bottom shelf liquor out of cheap plastic cups because it’s ‘cool’. Not me though, just you. 🙂

Nascar 500 Review

If you live in central Florida there are just certain things you have to deal with. Teen pregnancy, Bike Week, and Nascar fans. I myself am I fan of Nascar and I don’t really mind race week in Daytona. I usually go to one or two races myself, never the 500. Im talking about the qualifying races and the Bud Shootout. But this year I really wanted to go to the 500. I scored excellent tickets to the Nextera Energy 250 and maybe it was the beer talking, but I wanted to go to the 500.

An angel must have been on my shoulder, because I wound up not being able to get tickets and it’s no mystery what happened at the 500 this year.

For the first time in Dayona history the 500 was canceled due to inclement weather. So I stayed safe in my dry home and watched countless jackasses sitting in the grandstands in their $30.00 Nascar ponchos (Nascar made a killing that day) just watching parked race cars.

Imagine my joy! There is nothing better than being bummed out and feeling really shitty about yourself, and then seeing the suffering of others. Makes me just remember how awesome it is to be me.

Anyway, then the race was set to happen Monday night, and everything went right on schedule, until about 10:00PM when a car crashed into a truck carrying about 200 gallons of JET ENGINE FUEL. That is when I said FUCK IT and decided this thing was just not worth watching. I am still a Nascar fan, but that 500 was the worst thing I have ever seen.

Facebook Review

Lets try something fun. Let’s review Facebook!

Since 2004 Facebook has been dominating our down time and ruining our relationships. But has anyone ever really reviewed it? I have looked online and I see that some people have reviewed the new features, but not the site as a whole. WELL NOT NO MORE!

Let’s break this shit sandwich up into 3 parts.

PART 1: The Journey Begins

When I was a sophomore in High School I was still using myspace. I loved it. I liked having THEMES and having a song play when people clicked on my page. I WAS IN LOVE. Friend Requests? Is there anything more empowering then having the ability to ACCEPT or DENY someone from looking at your shitty little free theme page and whiny emo music? No there isn’t. So I was not to eager to jump off of MySpace and into the book of face. I figured I had everything I needed and would never ever need a new social networking experience. But after weeks of peer pressure from friends to create a Facebook profile I succumbed and began LIKING and POKING.

I think we all forget how fucking horrible and disorienting going from MySpace to Facebook was in the beginning. Myspace had bulletins, no one was poking anyone, and we all had one friend in common. That DOUCHE Tom. How egotistical, how dare you automatically make me your friend Tom, you douche!

Facebook was a totally different beast. Right off the bat you want to start adding friends because who wants to be the loser without 3,000 friends? No one, that’s who. (And if you are one of those people who has 12 friends because you just “DON’T ADD PEOPLE YOU DON’T SEE AND TALK TO EVERYDAY” then you can promptly jump off the nearest bridge. No one does that because of some sort of moral system they have, you simply just do not have friends.)

Anyway. So you add the friends and you think “hhmm ok this is similar to Myspace” then became bored and said, fuck writing on walls and shit I am just going back to Myspace.

BUT WHAT HAPPENED? We were all completely satisfied with Myspace, we could listen to music and blah blah blah. But what made us change to Facebook? You know what happened, people started poking us, tagging us in photos, and we were able to see all of our friends status updates instantly from the home screen… and like a fungus this new format began to grow on us.

PART 2: My Parents are on Facebook?!

Where were you when you discovered your parents and grandparents had created Facebook accounts? MORE IMPORTANTLY, where were you when they sent you a friend request? Once we saw their profile pictures we all new it was over. Did we really want our parents seeing us in compromising photos and reading our self involved status updates? Did we want to know what our parents would be doing on a Saturday night? This is when we all had our first doubts about whether we should continue the Facebook love affair or end it before it turned into a scandal of Jerry Springer proportions.

But somehow Facebook held it together for us. They gave us the ability to select who we wanted to see certain parts of our profiles/status updates and that was great. Crisis avoided, and we all continued taking inappropriate pictures and posting status updates about our STD’s.

PART 3: Where do we go from here?

So far Facebook is untouchable. But Twitter is a big competitor. The question is, when will the next big social networking site blow us all away and make us want to stop using Facebook. Well, nothing like that has to happen for me to stop using it.

I am fucking SICK of Facebook. I am tired of being poked, I am tired of FARMVILLE, I am tired of seeing your relationship updates. In fact I am so fucking tired of Facebook that I created a BLOG for Christ sake. Ever since I have been able to start ‘hiding’ people’s status updates I have removed everyone from my update list. I know it has been said over and over again but, why do people use status updates to tell us all about you taking a shower? Did I miss the memo where we were all going to list our daily activities on FB everyday?

Is everyone so incapable of writing something witty that we have all resorted to just commenting on the price of mustard? The worst is when the Superbowl is on or some other major sports event. ENDLESS POSTS ON THE SCORE. Suddenly everyone is a sports anchor.

Maybe I am just nit picking. Or maybe I am right. Who knows? I don’t want a dislike button, I would like a STFU button.

New Show AWAKE coming to NBC

This is rare, but I have to say I am really excited to begin watching this. The show will air March 1st on NBC and it looks awesome.

I was a little skeptical at first because I really love Alan Wake and this seemed like a little but of a rip off, you know minus the whole underworld demon shit. But after I was able to watch the entire 4 minute trailer I have no doubts that this will be a great new show coming to NBC.

The show is about a man who loses his wife and son in a tragic car accident, but after their funerals his mind creates two new realities one where his wife survived the crash and another where his son survived. Meanwhile he is a detective trying to solve cases that may or may not be real. Sounds like this will be the first really good drama NBC has had in quite some time.

The music is really great too. It looks like AWAKE will have its own soundtrack and not use what ever is trending on the radio, no ONE TREE HILL bullshit here.

Blockbuster Franchise R.I.HELL.

A couple of weeks ago my local Blockbuster finally shut down and closed their doors for good. So I decided I would do a post telling you, the reader, about some of my very own personal experiences with Blockbuster.

Did you know that I was a former Blockbuster employee? YES I WAS! But my career as a Blockbuster Movie clerk was short-lived, after a couple of weeks of their bullshit I got right the hell out of there but I still continued to occasionally rent a movie or game from there. Hey, nobody is perfect. From an insider’s perspective, I really am not that surprised they went out of business. The amount of lies we would tell our “guests” was unbelievable. It was like we all traded in our morals for that blue and yellow polo shirt. For a complete and VERY ACCURATE list of lies we all would tell consumers on a daily basis click HERE.

Another reason I believe blockbuster was doomed has to be those pathetic attempts at marketing campaigns. Whoever was in charge of these disgusting commercials should be brought out and given multiple paper cuts with Blockbuster Membership cards. Lets take a look at some:

1990 Blockbuster Kiddie Commercial

This one is obviously directed at the kids. But what the FUCK were they thinking. A group of four small children (ONE OF THEM BLACK TO SHOW EVERYONE, “HEY BLOCKBUSTER IS A GOOD TIME FOR ETHNIC GROUP!”) running, nay SPRINTING into blockbuster. No parents present, and these four kids must have been on some crazy drugs because they are chasing dinosaurs and riding in spaceships. Its fucking crazy. At the end of the commercial they introduce us to all of the characters in the cartoon, telling us their names and likes. I guess Blockbuster was thinking about making a cartoon series? That’s the only reason I can think that they would spend a good 20 seconds of their commercial time saying nothing about Blockbuster and telling us about the lives of this multiracial group of friends. Not the best way to spend paid air time.

1992 Blockbuster Commercial

Ahh, the good old days. You can tell Blockbuster thought they were hot shit around the time they made this commercial. The voice over tells us that “With over 10,000 movies to choose from in store, there’s no wonder Blockbuster Videos are popping up all over the country”. Fast forward 20 years and “with Redbox vendors offering only 1.00 rentals it’s no wonder Blockbusters are closing all over the country,” muahaha. This commercial really disturbs me. This little white suburban family is in a white room and then out of no were shit is coming out of the floor, movies are floating on the shelves, people are just appearing in the store with them, and the clerk is totally chill. She’s just behind the counter not giving a shit what happens.

1993 Blockbuster Christmas Commercial

In this one we see a Mom who is telling us “WOULDNT IT BE NICE TO GET YOUR SHOPPING ALL DONE IN ONE STORE, WELL AT BLOCKBUSTER YOU CAN FIND A MOVIE FOR EVERYBODY!” Yeah OK, who wants to be the asshole giving everyone one copy of Forrest Gump on VHS for Christmas? Blockbuster is not a place to get EVERYONE’S Christmas shopping done, you’re thinking of Macy or J C Penny or WALMART for fuck sake.

Carl and Ray 2000’s

Probably the best Blockbuster commercials ever made. This was still a few years away from Netflix’s rise to supreme power, and Blockbuster had some dough to spend. So they figured, why not spend it on some cgi. Plan sounds good, until they settled on making the new commercials be about a rabbit and a hamster that are just sitting across the street from a Blockbuster store in a very nicely kept cage inside of a pet store. AND NO ONE EVER BUYS THESE TWO ANIMALS. Where is Sarah Mclachlan when you need her?

Blockbuster was no where near as popular as it was before the emergence of Netflix, but my local store they knew they were really fucked when Redbox’s started popping up everywhere. Who in their right mind is going to pay a couple of bucks and  walk into blockbuster when they could spend ONE DOLLAR, rent the movie, and then return it to ANY of the other 3,000,000,000 redbox locations the next day? AN ASSHOLE, THAT’S WHO.

Sorry Blockbuster but seriously how long did you think we were all going to rely on YOU for renting new release movies? 80,000 people live in my town and you got 40 copies of WAR OF THE WORLDS when it was released. You stupid assholes! Then you expect to make up for it being out by offering a ‘free classic movie rental’. Sounds great, I just drove 15-20 minutes out of my way to watch a new release movie that you didn’t have, but I shouldn’t be mad because you’re gonna make up for it by letting me pic a movie that’s 2-10 years old? ARE YOU GUYS OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS?!
Yes we are!

The list of reasons why Blockbuster is out of business just goes on and on. But at least now I will never have to return hangover 2, and to be honest I probably wouldn’t have anyway.

Whitney Houston is Totally Dead

Well, if you don’t know by now Whitney Houston died yesterday.

So that means it is time for everyone to suddenly have an opinion about her ability as a performer and her even greater passion, CRACK. I am not a big fan of death so I don’t approve of anyone doing it. I think we should all avoid death at all costs. I am in a competition with everyone on this planet to see who will live the longest. I have to say, so far I have been pretty good at it. I mean, I already beat Caylee Anthony and I had 15+ years on her! WINNING!