Hello fellow Trailer and Movie cynics!
Its been a long time! Some of the old things Ive talked about before about adding podcast and videos will all be coming to fruition after the upcoming holiday season.
What to look for?!
So, stay tuned!
Maybe you have seen this already, if you haven’t you are in for a treat. Watch.
OK, I have a hundred different things going on right now. but this trailer review could not wait a minute more.
Everyone knows Miley Cyrus, unless you happen to be deaf, mute, and blind. But if you are, I doubt you are usuing the internet… you are probably using brail or something and I am pretty sure I do not have a brail publication of THISTRAILERSUCKS.COM out for purchase ( YET 
) so this was a pointless run on sentence.
ANYWAY, we all know Miley and her annoying voice. I annoying the right word? Her voice has the same sound of an old heavy smoker who drowns their sorrows in whisky but says things like “OH EM GEE” and “KEWL”. So it is a pretty odd choice that they would have her doing the voice over to this retarded trailer, you would think they would want someone with a soothing/exciting voice like Demi Moore… oh wait nevermind.
The trailer opens up with Miley telling us about starting her new school year at a high school filled with attractive teenagers. That always bothers me. Why in movies do high schoolers, even the geeky ones, never have any acne or mentally disabled kids in their high schools taking “life skills” classes? In my H.S. we always had a boat load of mentally challenged teens who would spend an entire school day in one classroom learning how to make change and not shit their pants. Just another unsolved mystery.
You can tell from the trailer that Miley’s character is pretty popular, and by popular I mean…. she gets around, and by gets around I mean, she spend a lot of time playing the skin flute.
She tells us that her name is Lola but everyone calls her… LOL. This movie sounds GREAT….
We are then shown a clip of Miley doing what she does best with her ‘boyfriend’ and she scolds him for not calling or texting her. He then admits that he hooked up with someone else. This news causes Miley to run as fast as she can away from him an flail her arms about over her head. Oscars watch out! We then see her dive into her bed and sob uncontrollably while Stick Stickley (DEMI MOORE) tries to comfort her by holding her against her boney, sad body.
After Mileys encounter with Skelator (DEMI MOORE) she goes back to her room and angrily writes in her diary and changes her boyfriends contact name in her cell phone from “boyfriend” to “EX-boyfriend” thus making it official. One thing, who puts people in their phone under contact names like boyfriend and girlfriend? Is miley so underdeveloped that the only way she can remember who someone is in her phone is by labeling them in such a way “FRIEND”, “BOYFRIEND”, “SCIENCE TEACHER”, “BLONDE FRIEND.” Maybe her breasts developed instead of her brain.
Then we follow Miley on a montage of her falling for her ex boyfriends friend and her confronting her ex’S new girlfriend. Here is how that conversation goes:
New GF: Dont be jelous
Miley: DONT WORRY
END.
In SUMMARY: This is a fucking train wreck. This is obviously meant to be a teen drama, but it comes of as cliche and comedic. Movies with such a predictable plot and shitty cast should not be allowed to exist.
Yes, I know I have not posted anything new as of late. But maybe this guest post I wrote for FilmJabber.Com will tide you over.
-S
Ever watch TMZ and wonder… “What the fuck are these rich bastard complaining about?” I always find it strange when actors and actresses shy away from, and sometimes even punch, the camera’s. Why do they hate the attention they begged for so much? I suppose mortals like you and I will never understand what it feels like to be constantly hawked over by paparazzi, but I would imagine it would feel pretty awesome.
But in the past few decades with the invention of digital cameras and pretty much EVERYONE having a camera on their cell phones, it is harder than ever for high profile celebrities to get even a SMIDGE of privacy. Too bad for them, fantastic for us. Thinking about this and looking at photos on the internet made me really want to show you what a difference a few decades can make. Lets go back to the FIRST film ever made.
The Horse In Motion (1878)
The Horse In Motion is said to be the FIRST movie ever released. It was the creation of Eadweard Muybridge.
Not very photogenic.
The film is shown above, a single looping clip that made audiences GASP with delight. No one could believe that this man was able to make a horse gallop right before their eyes. Needless to say, no one was following this Santa look-a-like around asking for his autograph. He was treated more like a scientist than a director of JAMES CAMERON proportion. People wanted to know how he did it, once the secret was this Horse gave birth to the film industry.
With the new industry blossoming, then came the actors. Yes the jackasses that were going to be paid for learning a few lines. Are you ever sickened by the fact that these actors and actresses make MORE money than an entire police department? I think that all this money and increased demand for pictures of celebrities over the years has turned them into walking punch lines. Lets compare some of the golden age Hollywood stars to the dirt bags we have now.
THEN:
What a beautiful and glamorous lady Lucy was. She really was a talent, and always looking her best.
NOW:
This is our red head of the new millennium. A dazed and totally confused Linday gives us a smile only a mother could love. Not her mother of course, that lady is only after her money.
THEN:
Oh Judy Garland! What a shame there is no one like you for the young women of America to look up too!
NOW:
Instead, this is what we get. An 80% alcohol carbon copy, singing and dancing around like an inebriated cow.
I hope one day Hollywood can return to its golden age. Back before stars decided to go out and do cartwheels without and undergarments on, and run around sun set strip with shaved heads attacking reporters with umbrellas. Their personal lives have become more interesting than any of the films they star in.
The red solo cup. As far as online celebrities go the red solo cup is an a lister. Look right now at every one of your friends on facebook and I am sure there is at least one picture of them holding onto one of these with a “duck face” or thumbs up to go with it.
What is it about the Red Solo Cup that has made it such a hit? Maybe its… THE PRICE.
Do we really want to buy 100 glass cups to be used by drunk/high guests at parties? No, instead we say “here take one of these fine bright red liquid docking stations, fill it with some cheap liquor and dollar store cola, and have an enchanting evening.” Well, maybe we don’t say it exactly like that but you get the picture. Not only is the red solo cup CHEAP but the red cup has the ability to conceal what is actually inside of the cup. This made it a HUGE hit will college students and high schoolers a like.
“WHATS THAT IN YOUR CUP YOUNG LADY,” says the meddling, nosey adult.
“Why, this is merely a plastic cup filled with Vitamin D milk” says the innocent and insanely drunk youth.
“I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! YOU HAVE FUN DRINKING IT OUT OF YOUR RED CUP”. SEE IT WORKS!
So the price is definitely an attractive point and the red cups ability to hide what is inside is even more attractive, but what made us all want to have red solo cups at our parties? A movie perhaps???? Just another example of how movies and the media has dominated your life without you even noticing it.
Sure make a movie with some stars who appeal to a younger crowd eagerly slurping on alcohol out of these little red cups and watch the sales go through the roof. In movies like ANIMAL HOUSE, AMERICAN PIE, and ANY teen movie you always see the cast at a party with a RED solo cup. This suggests why the sales of the RED solo cup are always extremely higher than any other color. Some say it is because RED is a neutral color that is liked by both men and women. But thats bullshit. If everyone in ANIMAL HOUSE was drinking out of black solo cups or blue solo cups or even ORANGE solo cups, so would we.
Don’t even try to be a trendy hipster and say “OH I ACTUALLY PREFER THE BLUE SOLO CUP.” Because FUCK YOU, YOU DON’T!
In Summary: We are all sheep, drinking bottom shelf liquor out of cheap plastic cups because it’s ‘cool’. Not me though, just you. 🙂
This movie has won award after award, BUT they are all from “Film Festivals” so they mean next to nothing, from a viewers perspective anyway. I mean, look at how many awards The Tree Of Life won and what.a.piece.of.shit.
On with the review!
SHAME is a movie about Brandon. A man living in NY who has a pretty out of control sexual addiction. His co-workers and friends have no idea that night after night this guy is banging random women and prostitutes until sunrise. Im sure for most men this sounds like an amazing life. But you can see by watching the trailer that while Brandon is addicted to sex, it leaves him confused afterwards and eventually get’s him into some serious trouble.
The big plot of this movie is that Brandon is really unhappy but can not quit his addiction to porn and promiscuous sex but when his sister comes for a visit and asks to stay at his place, he has to try to keep up the pretense that he is a normal single guy living in NY.
OK, now that we know what this movie trailer is about lets rip it. This guy looks like a serial killer. Honestly, he has slicked back hair and is a tad too pale so it would be believable if at one point in the movie he just starts stabbing bitches! Especially that sister of his. She is dressing up like a 1920’s jazz room singer. Maybe their entire family is fucked up and that’s why Brandon has an addiction in the first place. Maybe their father dressed up like a space cadet and the mother thought she was wolf man. Who the fuck knows, no who the fuck CARES?
At the end of the trailer Brandon decides to go slumming and try to pick up some neo nazi’s girlfriend. BIG MISTAKE. The guy beats the ever-loving shit out of Brandon and on top of that the neo nazi has a shaved head. So it almost looks like Brandon is getting beaten up by a penis. Maybe the director wanted us to pick up on that. The penis shaped head of this man is a metaphor for Brandon’s own disease ridden genitalia finally fighting back against Brandon and his desire to plunge his member into toxic waste (Snookie).
Well I hope everyone had a good holiday, but now that Easter is officially over it’s time to continue to write negative and vulgar reviews. 🙂
OK, so this is a way bigger project than I had thought it would turn out to be. TTS Podcast WILL happen, unfortunately it looks like it may not be as quick and easy as I originally thought. Mainly because I wan’t to make sure it is something really original and something that you guys will like to listen to on a weekly basis.
What does this mean?
TTS PODCAST is happening and it will be up by the weekend. Thanks for your patience, and you suck.
-Shannon
Have not done a horror film trailer review in a while (Human Centipede is not a horror film, its a disgusting film) so here is one. House At The End Of The Street. What is with horror films with the word ‘house’ in them? What is so menacing about a house? House on Haunted hILL, Hell House, THE EVIL HOUSE… OK I just made the last one up, but it probably is a real title of some movie that made about 1,000.00 at the box office. Anyway, on with the review.
The trailer opens up with a girl hiding in a closet and whispering “OH MY GOD” then breaking glass and escaping the building by jumping into a car with no way of starting it, because it’s a horror film and all logical thinking is thrown out the window. Like, people will split up, run upstairs when being chased (where you gonna go up stairs?), and always get killed in the midst of sexual intercourse. I can go more into illogical thinking of characters in horror films in another post, because i could really just go on and on.
ANYWAY, this girl jumps into a car she has no way of starting and discovers a lunchbox containing a towel and a bottle of chloroform. She is then immediately attacked by a shadowy figure. Great, didn’t see that one coming. Then we go through the events of the movie kind of backwards, the girl is shown being attacked by a little blonde girl and tied to chairs and all kinds of whacky bullshit. I don’t know what we are suppose to get from all of this, I guess by going backwards they hope it will make us want to see it in chronological order to discover what is going on. That might work if the plot seemed a little interesting.
Im guessing that the main character moves into a house where some people were murdered and now the house is a malevolent force of shit. Her neighbor seems to know something but he is not ‘all there’, I wouldn’t be surprised he winds up saving her at some point in the movie either by sacrificing his own goofy ass or telling her some key weakness the house has.
Im kind of confused as to why Jennifer Lawrence would even sign up for this shit. After the success of hunger games, this does not seem like an ideal next project choice. But maybe i am giving her too much credit for assuming she actually has a brain in her fucking head.
ThisTrailerSucks.Com 